I don't know if you have noticed that "transshipment" has suddenly become the keyword of this year's major hot search lists.
I understand this need very well, and I feel it strongly because of the rapid changes in life, the increase in uncertainty, we often fall into shaky restlessness:
was tormented by work, and even had physical reactions such as insomnia and headaches, but he did not dare to quit his job, fearing unemployment;
In an internal frictional relationship, being repeatedly hurt by the other half, but unable to leave decisively, afraid of the consequences;
I went to graduate school or took the civil service exam, but I tried hard many times and didn't get in, and I fell into the pain of self-denial, but I was unwilling to give up......
In this state of twisting, mental exhaustion has become this year's "epidemic":
I'm obviously tired, I want to run, I want to say "I don't want it"!
But I don't dare, I can't, I can't.
Over time, you will find that the more you are internally conflicted, the more things will become unsmooth, and the more you will feel unlucky.
And when you act like you don't care about anything, don't want anything, and take the initiative to stay away and give up, you feel that "life is turned upside down".
Therefore, there is a scholar who wants to tell you, you might as well be an "indifferent" person.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that you become "ruthless and unrighteous", but when you're tired and tired, allow yourself to stay away from all the people and things that consume you, and you'll find that-
From the moment you become "cold", good luck will naturally come.
- You don't have to take care of everyone's feelings, and indifference to others is allowed.
Do you have such a person around you, or are you such a person:
Girlfriends are in a bad mood to complain, even if they have a lot of troubles, they still play the role of listener and comforter softly;
A friend asks you to eat and go shopping, even if you are so tired that you go down, you still drag your tired body out of the door;
I am not familiar with my colleagues and leaders, even if I don't want to make friends with them, I still force myself to participate in various "bureaus......
In order not to be disappointed in his family, not to be embarrassed by his friends, and not to be disappointed in his colleagues, he tried his best to hide his true needs and voice.
I remember that a long time ago, many people liked Lin Chiling, thinking that she was always smiling, always good-tempered, and a gentle and decent "high EQ representative" who made people feel like a spring breeze.
Only Cai Kangyong felt very sorry for her, he felt that Lin Chiling was "too tired to be a man".
Because she always takes care of other people's feelings first, is a person who satisfies everyone, and constantly consumes her own energy.
If you are also in such an "interpersonal internal conflict", you might as well learn to use "intermittent apathy" to get rid of it.
This kind of apathy is not an emotional disconnection with others, but a brave and brief escape when you have "empathy fatigue".
Human empathy is as limited as physical strength, and taking care of other people's feelings everywhere will lead to excessive empathy, and people will easily become tired.
"I don't want to talk to anyone" "I don't want to be an outlet for other people's emotions"......
These are allowed, and it is your own protective mechanism that allows you to withdraw from your emotionally draining state and rebuild your energy.
Always remind yourself, "My time is precious, don't waste it on people and things that consume me." ”
I remember that in an issue of "Longing for Life", 9 new-generation idols came at once, which frightened Huang Lei:
"I've confirmed my eyes, but they're all people I don't know."
He politely said hello and hid in the kitchen, saying bluntly:
"You play games at night, and I'll go to bed early today."
During the meal, he confessed his heart:
"I don't know you well, so I don't have to talk nonsense with people I don't know.
So you came in and greeted me, and I wasn't that welcoming. ”
Some netizens criticized him for "not being a man", but I had different ideas.
Although the scene was a little awkward, everyone present could breathe a sigh of relief, at least they didn't have to go to great lengths to disguise and please, and they could be more comfortable with each other.
When people are enthusiastic, there will also be times of "indifference", which is the normal emotional ups and downs.
When you tell the other person directly about your stress, you can maintain your boundaries and allow your emotions to enter a recovery period, and your relationship will be healthier and longer.
Stay "intermittent apathy" and don't feel guilty about it, this is the premise of taking care of yourself and living well.
- You don't have to meet everyone's expectations, and you don't have to ignore the praise of the outside world so that you won't be easily attacked.
Cai Kangyong once said:
"I encourage everyone to be cold people."
At that time, he also shared a story in Lens magazine:
At the age of 27, Steven Spielberg became a hot director in Hollywood because of the movie "Jaws".
The American "Time Magazine" also made a special issue for him, which is worth showing off to anyone.
But when the magazine was delivered to the set, Spielberg didn't pick it up.
The producers were surprised:
"The whole book is about you, why don't you read it?"
Spielberg replied:
"If I believe their compliments on me now, I will believe their attacks on me next.
I have to train myself not to easily believe the praise of others, so that I can not be easily attacked by others. ”
When your recognition of yourself comes from others, a look, an action, or a word from them, you may interpret it as:
"Does he not like me?"
Wouldn't it be naïve for me to say that?
The tone of the TA is not very happy, is it not happy with me? ”
Even if you don't do anything, you feel "tired" because you have played countless inner dramas, but you have never been able to sincerely believe in yourself.
心理学有个词叫FOPO（the fear of other people's opinions）：害怕别人的意见就困于他人的评价。
Many times, we are afraid to leave bad relationships and circumstances because we are afraid of negative evaluations from the outside world;
For the praise of the outside world, he set himself unattainable goals, and constantly criticized himself to achieve them.
When we become an "indifferent" person, we can ignore and be wary of praise from the outside world, and pull our focus back to ourselves.
To this end, psychologist Dr. Micheal Gervais proposes to "form your own personal philosophy".
How?
Here are 3 questions you can ask yourself:
1. What are the beliefs behind my thoughts and actions when I am at my best?
2. Which people's characteristics and qualities are most compatible with me, and what are these qualities?
3. What is my favorite sentence that can describe myself?
These questions can help you block out other people's perceptions, focus more on your own abilities, and understand your own characteristics.
This is not an easy task, even Cai Kangyong will train himself:
"Don't care what people think of me."
Because we can't get all the good reviews, but we can get that part of our own real happiness.
- You don't have to fall into the whirlpool of internal friction, please give back your warmth to others.
To tell you the truth, I'm a little sad to write this.
It's as if we're all used to giving our passions to others and keeping our grief to ourselves.
Nervousness, anxiety and self-attack became the final outcome, and even if I didn't do anything, I felt exhausted.
But you don't have no choice, you can be indifferent to others, give your enthusiasm back to yourself, and give yourself a little more effort.
I really want to talk to you about Peng Lei, many people know that he is the lead singer of new pants, but they don't necessarily know that he is the "black maniac" in the entertainment industry.
Others use WeChat to meet bigwigs and make good connections, but he is good and uses it to "block friends".
The rule of thumb is that every time you add a person to your address book, you delete another person.
Once on "Wonderful Saying 6", Li Dan "forcibly" added his WeChat, and he looked embarrassed:
"Xu Zheng has been blocked by me, or the next one to delete Ning Hao or Lu Chuan."
After getting off the show, Li Dan wanted to chat with him, but found that he had been blocked.
The connections that many people want to get acquainted with are not important in his eyes, and the people who don't chat and don't intersect are deleted, and he says it's "quiet".
Later, he was interviewed by the media:
"Is there a compromise with yourself now?
For example, what you would have rejected before, will you accept it now? ”
He said that he would still habitually refuse:
"Because now a lot of opportunities are coming, and people want to consume you."
He didn't want to see himself in more media:
"I'm so happy, as soon as the door closes, the world has nothing to do with me."
Probably because, after having children, he prefers a peaceful life at home:
Start to be interested in plants, no longer need to associate with "bad friends", no longer waste time and feelings on boring things.
I always like to read his Weibo, and he often goes hiking with a friend named Biaozi.
Walk through quiet villages, stumble into bomb shelters, watch streams flow through valleys, and look at abandoned toys in abandoned playgrounds......
Focus on your life and everything becomes simple.
I know that not everyone can become Peng Lei, but a moderate amount of indifference can make you-
You don't have to take care of other people's emotions everywhere, because you no longer worry about being abandoned by the world if you don't take care of it;
You don't have to meet other people's expectations all the time, because you are no longer afraid that you are not good enough to be loved.
When you start to care about whether you are really happy or not, you will seriously think about what you want and where you should go.
Don't warm others too much, give your enthusiasm back.
You'll be able to free up a little space from the internal friction and accumulate your own energy.
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Liang Wendao once said in "Round Table Pie":
"The ideal relationship is like the relationship between a person and a cat.
It accompanies you but does not interfere with you, the kind of "indifference" that does not intervene too much, as if it is maintaining each other's boundaries and space. ”
When you keep your distance from all the bad people and bad things, you can stop the loss in time even if there is internal friction.
When the emotions that were consumed too much gradually recover and accumulate into high energy to attract more beautiful things, I think this is the beginning of "transit".
Remember, being moderately indifferent to others is what can truly warm yourself.
You will have more time to care for the people you love and do what you love.
In the long run, you will find that the core of your personality is no longer violently shaken by external interference.
Because you know what's most important to you, you don't have to be enthusiastic and happy for everyone.
Finally, I want to share a line from the Japanese drama "Nagi's New Life", which is very decompressing every time I see it:
"I don't want to read the air anymore to see the face, I think the air is not for reading at all, it is for breathing."
Love yourself a little more, and the world will love you a little more.
Bless you and bless me, the world and I love you.