I don't know if you have noticed that after being married and having children, family conflicts will gradually emerge.
I don't think you understand my dedication, and you think I don't understand your hard work...... And then because of these trivialities, they can fight for each other, and little by little from "unhappy" to "unlucky.....
I'm the same, I'm 32 years old, 1 child, and the good thing is that when these negative emotions gradually consumed me, I suddenly realized that it might be a cognitive trap.
Moreover, this trap is very cunning, and if you are "not vigilant", you will be "controlled".
Therefore, I think it is necessary to share with you the 5 cognitive traps I have discovered, although ordinary families may encounter them, as long as they can wake up in time, family relationships can be easily straightened out, and their happiness will return!
1. It is customary to believe that the male protagonist is outside the female protagonist
Everyone should have read the story of the rose, and Fang Xiewen said inside: Outside the male protagonist, isn't it supposed to be the female protagonist!
But in fact, it is not a stereotype that the male protagonist and the female protagonist are not the only ones, not all women want to be raised, and not all men are self-motivated.
Because of my children, I know a lot of families outside the female protagonist and the male protagonist, and they are all very happy, and I have never felt that women are "showing up" outside, and men taking care of the family are "nests".
Because in their eyes, no matter what way they get along, as long as they find the point of mutual agreement, it is harmony.
In a family, there must always be a person who has the ability to produce, and this person can be either a woman or a man.
To put it more bluntly, you can't sit and wait for death for both of you! There is nothing that should not be, the person with strong earning ability usually has a high work density, as a lover, he should naturally take over part of the housework, which is love and responsibility.
So, please abandon those stereotypes, especially male compatriots who usually have strong self-esteem, and know that what is more humiliating than doing housework is the breakdown of the family!
2. Lose your temper at will and create internal friction
Teacher Luo Xiang said: The most terrible thing about a family is not poverty, but a person who is good at creating internal friction.
And what I want to say is, don't let your home become a mental torture ground!
Everyone wants the other to be perfect, but in fact, no one is perfect, as the saying goes, don't do to others what you don't want to do to yourself, and don't ask others to do what you can't do.
Otherwise, in this temper catharsis, not only will the other party's spiritual energy be exhausted, but also their own, and once a person is constantly consumed, he will gradually lose the ability to love and be loved, for life, it is definitely a disaster!
Of course, in family relationships, everyone has a time when they are so angry that they must vent to restore calm, but at this time, you must remember: do not rise to personal attacks!
To tell the truth, I used to lose my temper in big and small things for a while, especially to my lover, unscrupulous, but then I slowly found that this so-called catharsis can't really restore my calm.
And after communicating with my lover, I know that this kind of emotional catharsis from me, he can catch it, but at the same time he will be helpless + confused, and what is even more terrifying is that sometimes he can't even realize the problem, and often at this moment, he doesn't dare to ask, he is also very distressed, and he will become irritable.
After realizing this, I decided not to create internal friction anymore, but what I didn't expect was that the same thing, after my mind changed, it didn't seem to be a big deal.
If the bowl is broken, it will be a matter of a few dollars, the water will be spilled and dragged out, and when there are mistakes in cooking, it is not right to put things around, but with a smile, the effect may be better.
3. Pay attention to the parent-child relationship and ignore the relationship between husband and wife
In many families, after having children, the focus of the relationship will shift: pay attention to the parent-child relationship, and then ignore the relationship between husband and wife.
Please don't forget that the parent-child relationship is important, but the person who lives a lifetime, and the one who spends the longest time with each other is the partner, which is one of them;
The second is that even though the parent-child relationship is important, no matter what, it is two people who are together to form a family, and the relationship between husband and wife must be greater than the parent-child relationship.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong also said: If the relationship between husband and wife is particularly good, healthy, and full of affection, then the child will naturally develop well.
Therefore, don't put children or the elderly first in the family, a good couple is the support of a family.
It's a very real problem, if the relationship between husband and wife is not handled well, the whole family may collapse, there are too many examples of this kind around you, and at this time, how can you talk about home?
Not to mention what feminist and male rights are, emotional value is provided by each other, and a warm family atmosphere is also created by people.
4. Love to find faults, not praise
Mr. Yang Jiang said: "People who have been accusing and suppressing their family members for a long time are either stupid or bad, and the real stupidity and bad are the kind of people who suppress their children at home all day long, attack their partners, and are strong and domineering."
Especially among the previous generation, this kind of family environment is very common, obviously you can speak well, but you have to be yin and yang, with guns and sticks, and make mistakes without stopping, as if in the subjective consciousness, there is no room for fault at all, let alone any praise, I am afraid that you will be humble when you say it!
Let's ask, if in a family, everyone is in their own camp and enemies to each other, blaming and shirking big things, and nagging about small things, then what happiness is there?
Our generation, although it will be relatively better in this regard, but also to know that in addition to having fault tolerance, we must also learn to love and praise, praise for love, just like the familiar sentence "A good child is praised", adults are actually the same, you praise him twice, he does everything!
So, please don't skimp on your praise!
In addition, people who do not have a safe haven do not look forward to returning home, and smart people should understand the meaning.
5. Always debate and make each other unhappy
The family is not a debate field, you have to fight for you to win and I lose, and what is even more terrible is to win for a while, but lose love.
In addition, this kind of behavior that no matter what others say, they will deny other people's proposals at the first time, and often talk about "no, I don't think you're right" and other words, is called "pathological sophistry" in psychology.
I feel this too much, it's not that I love people, it's my parents, no matter what reason I tell them, they can't listen to them, and if they continue to talk about it, they will oppress you and hit you.
Later, I found out that people from two eras are not necessarily agreeing with whom, just seeking common ground while reserving differences, and being well.
The People's Daily also mentioned that the best way for a family to get along is three points of communication and seven points of tolerance.
A good relationship must not only have the skills of mutual communication, but also have the patience to tolerate each other, communication and persuasion are different, pay attention to equality and mutual concession, even if they have different concepts from each other, do not debate, and are willing to tolerate each other with love.
When it comes to the lover, in fact, it is the same, most of the same frequency and harmony we envy are also an understanding, a generous, as long as the big things are sober, the small things are confused, and they should all be cheering each other.
I really can't stand it, learn about the "Struggle Alone Version", I really recognize this point of view, which means that if the family is difficult to change, then the only thing you can do is to keep yourself and take care of yourself.