01
This story is really emotional and embarrassing.
Xiao Wang and Xiao Xue are both from Lingtai County, Gansu, and the two families are in the same village, and they have known each other since childhood.
At the end of February last year, through the matchmaker's matchmaking and the parents nodded and agreed, Xiao Wang and Xiao Xue, who had reached marriageable age, quickly completed their engagement in their hometown.
At the time of the engagement, Xiao Wang's parents boldly gave Xiao Xue 140,000 yuan as a bride price. Just two months later, the young couple had a successful wedding.
However, for some reason, they did not receive a marriage certificate.
After marriage, Xiao Wang and Xiao Xue lived together, and contradictions continued to appear. Xiao Wang found that Xiao Xue was drinking and smoking, and the two had frequent quarrels.
Perhaps because they felt that they couldn't keep arguing like this, after Labor Day, the two drove from their hometown to Yiyang, Hunan, where Xiao Wang worked. But it was less than two days after arriving at the rental house, and Xiao Xue was "inexplicably noisy".
Xiao Wang called his parents, but what he got was persuasion for him to "endure".
A month later, on the evening of June 15, Xiao Wang and Xiao Xue quarreled again until the early hours of the morning, and Xiao Wang fell into deep despair for a while, and chose to jump into the river at about 1 a.m. the next day to end his life.
Five months after Xiao Wang's suicide, Xiao Xue drowned in the Li River in Guilin City.
The children of both families have died, and the elders have gone to court because of it. The Wang family demanded that the Xue family return the full amount of the bride price on the grounds that Xiao Wang and Xiao Xue "did not go through the marriage registration formalities and did not meet the formal requirements for marriage".
In view of the fact that after Xiao Wang's death, Xiao Xue's side participated in the handling of Xiao Wang's funeral matters and spent more than 20,000 yuan, which can be deducted from the bride price as appropriate. In the end, the court ordered the Xue family to return the remaining 110,000 yuan in dowry.
This hastily formed marriage cost two lives.
Being in the same village, the rumors at the head and end of the village must be unavoidable, and the days to come have become an insurmountable gap for the two families. For outsiders, this tragedy has also sounded a heavy alarm bell for many parents.
02
Every time there is a family gathering during the New Year's holidays, there will inevitably be various topics on the dinner table.
I asked my aunts and sisters what kind of son-in-law they were most looking for.
The answers they give are varied, but they often end up with something like this: "People have to be nice, they have to be honest, and it's great if they were in the same place." ”
This is the mind of many mothers-in-law, daughters are working hard, if you can find a partner in the same province in the city where you work, it can be said that you have drawn the lot, the best in this city, if it is at the door, plus it is high school and junior high school classmates, it is simply a godsend.
They feel that if they know the root cause, their daughter will not be wronged. Even if you are really wronged, you can rush to the other party in just ten minutes to ask for an explanation.
This is true, but in modern society, it is quite expensive to get to know a person in depth and comprehensively. The same is true for most boys' parents, who expect their daughters-in-law to be native.
In the same place, the family situation is roughly the same, and you can understand the general situation of the other party by asking a little. What is the condition of the child himself, how his parents behave, and the time of a meal may be able to get an idea.
The child at the door of the house seems to be a safe and secure card. But I have to mention here that in marriage, there is no such thing as complete know-how. It is difficult to draw the skin and bones of a tiger, and it is difficult to know the face but not the heart.
When the door is closed, everyone has their own secrets. How many parents have not thought deeper, perhaps not even figured out the true heart of their own children, how can they wishfully believe that the other child's child is simple and kind, just because they live closely, is an ideal destination?
All you can do is the surface of the other person, but it's hard to get to the bottom of their heart. Just like Xiao Wang and Xiao Xue, although the two have known each other since childhood, it was only after they got married and lived together that they learned about Xiao Xue's smoking and alcoholism.
Knowing and dealing with people does not mean that we know what the inner nature of that person is. Tea will cool, people will change. Don't put a beautiful filter on feelings because of distance and friendship, you should treat them equally, have more contact and investigation, and leave more room for both parties.
03
Moreover, the misfortune of Xiao Wang and Xiao Xue is the interweaving of marriage urging and flash marriage.
In just two months, he entered the palace of marriage, which was indispensable to the promotion of relatives and the bitter heart of his parents. The two children pondered, they were both people at the door of the house, they had known each other since they were children, and where could they go, so they got married.
However, the truth is that a wrong marriage, if not handled properly, can lead to a complete loss of life, and even a life-threatening life.
Last year, 23-year-old Nan Nan was continuously urged to marry by her family, and in desperation, she vented on the platform, saying: "I want to jump off the building."
The man is the son of his uncle's comrade-in-arms, and the conditions are superior, but Nan Nan has no feelings and doesn't want to get married too early, but her parents and relatives at home are in the same camp and force her to get married.
She resolutely refused, showing that loveless marriages could not last long.
Her parents turned a deaf ear: "What do you like or dislike, you will naturally like it after getting along for a long time." ”
"If you die, your parents won't live either."
"You can't fall in love yourself, and you will never meet such conditions."
"See you tomorrow and settle the matter."
Simply because she was reluctant to marry a strange man, her sick mother sent her photos of vomiting blood and hair loss every day.
She said: "If you force me again, I will kill myself immediately." ”
The two sides tore their faces, and their words became more and more intense: "White-eyed wolf, because of you, your mother failed to have another son, are you worthy of our family?" ”
"It's the lack of education that makes you like this."
"Mom is preparing a shroud today, you just stay outside, and when I die one day, you will be a sinner."
"You don't want to live a good life in this life."
One crime after another was imposed on Nan Nan.
She wanted to escape, so she pretended to compromise and went on a blind date, offering her parents to return her internship salary.
At the mention of money, the parents became nervous again after a sigh of relief, and they didn't want to take out a penny.
Nan Nan borrowed money to escape from this suffocating home, but the message of her parents' urging her to marry lingered like a ghost.
"Why is she still controlling me when I leave the house?" After posting this last post, Nan Nan didn't move again.
Instead, Nan Nan's friend used her account to post an obituary.
Nan Nan was overwhelmed, and after drinking a large bottle of liquor, she swallowed an unknown number of cephalosporins.
She said goodbye in such a tragic way, and her parents only cared about rummaging through their daughter's bank card.
04
Although I am reluctant to say this, marriage is indeed a big gamble, so why do I have to urge my children to join it?
Recalling the Chinese-style parents' marriage urging summarized by Mr. Yu Hua: "It doesn't matter whether you love or not, the key is to tie the knot." It doesn't matter if you're happy or not, it's important to tie the knot. It doesn't matter if you have money or not, the important thing is to tie the knot. The significance of your parents urging you to get married is that as long as you have a family, their responsibilities as parents will be fulfilled. ”
Just like Xiao Wang.
Some people will ask, why can't he even get a marriage certificate?
Put yourself in the shoes of someone he didn't know well for two months, arguing for two months, and his parents made him "patient".
Presumably he had complained many times, but to no avail, not because he did not have the courage to leave, but because there was an invisible barrier that surrounded him, and if he left this time, there would be a next time.
At that moment, all he could think of was death to completely free himself. If there is no sentence "endure a little longer", the son's life may not be gone.
I hope that all parents in the world can know that marriage is a choice, not an inevitability. In the past, marriage was due to traditional responsibilities and living habits.
But now it's very different, everyone has their own perceptions, especially the increasing pressure of real life at the moment, and it is completely understandable that they don't want to enter marriage too early.
Even if the marriage urging is successful and the children get married, it is difficult to feel calm when they see them living unhappy. Give them freedom and make yourself more comfortable.
05
A long time ago, I saw someone compare marriage to an apple.
It probably means that sometimes when you look at the red appearance on the outside, maybe the inside is already broken, and it will gradually rot from the inside out.
Faced with such an apple, the right thing to do is to discard it as soon as possible.
Most apples, although they look small and not so red, have the occasional bump scar and sunburn spots.
But as long as the bad part is cut out, the remaining part is still delicious and sweet.
In other words, with the passage of time, no one's apple can always be intact.
The key is our attitude towards Apple. The ripening fruit also rots quickly. The fruit that grows naturally may not look good, but after being beaten by wind and rain, it will be very sweet, and the person who tastes it will be very happy.
Let's talk about something practical. For all, marriage is an alternative rebirth.
It is not about economic and class changes, but about major changes in life that are irreversible. If you make the wrong choice, not only will time and money be wasted, but the most worrying thing is that your state of mind will be destroyed. Especially failed marriages.
It is not only the normal order of life that is ruined, but also the belief in love, humanity, and even self-doubt.
The most terrible thing is to be adrift for half a life, and looking back, it turns out that those bad days are not something we have to go through.
Say something that might be scolded: get married as late as possible, and divorce as soon as possible.
Of course, things in the world are not absolute, but if you meet a lover at the beginning of life, you should manage it carefully; If you realize that you are on the wrong path, you must also have the courage to turn back in time.
And as a parent, don't push them forward, and don't block them at the end of the road. Life is so long, we each have our own paths to follow.