Talking about temper - Li Wenzhu's "Vicissitudes of Enlightenment" No. 12

Original Lee Boon Joo

Li Wenzhu (back row, second from left) poses with friends

I have my strengths, such as love and dedication, serious work, sincerity to people, self-restraint, simple life, easy-going benefits, etc. But there are also many shortcomings, one of the most fatal of which is bad temper. This is probably an important reason for my progress.

Most of the people who first contacted me thought that I was smiling, kind-eyed, gentle and elegant, with a good temper, and in the popular words of the moment, I was "warm man". But after a long time of contact, I will find that my temper is not very good. Especially my family and relatives, almost did not say that I had a good temper. The outstanding performance is that the temperament is impatient, like to be vigorous and clean, do not like to grind and chirp, drag and pull, encounter the latter lack of patience, it is easy to produce impatience. Then there is the irritability of being irritable, encountering those who violate conventions, are unreasonable, and add for no reason, are not calm enough, and are easily provoked to be angry. Under normal circumstances, outsiders can still tolerate it, but they are more harsh on their own families; they can also tolerate those who are young and have a position lower than their own, and often "do not give in" to those who are older and have a higher position than their own.

I also know that this is a flaw in my own character, which will cause serious consequences that cannot be regretted. Bad temper, hurt others and harm themselves, there are many lessons, I want to change, but the results are not obvious. I later discovered that temper and personality are not exactly the same thing, they have similarities and obvious differences. People with a mild personality will have a relatively good temper; people with a short temper will mostly not be very good. The difference is that the personality is more rational and not easily affected by the external environment, while the temper is more emotional, easily stimulated by the external environment, and it is more difficult to change.

It should be said that everyone has seven passions and six desires, all have joys and sorrows, and all have their own temper. When the mood is not good, everyone will vent, when the head is hot, everyone will be impulsive, and when the anger is unbearable, everyone will be angry, which is the common sentiment of people. However, having a temper does not mean that you can lose your temper casually. Someone said, "If you're right, you don't have to lose your temper; if you're wrong, you're not entitled to lose your temper." Mr. Hu Shi even said: "The most hateful thing in the world is an angry face." The most vulgar thing in the world is to put an angry face on others. "Controlling temper is a person's cultivation and a person's ability." It is easy to be impulsive when things happen, and it is inevitable not to make mistakes. People who know how to control their temper can control their own lives, and whether people can succeed in their lives depends to a large extent on your temper. The ancients said: "The passion of the moment, the regret of the day after tomorrow." Imajin said: "When people lose their temper in anger, their IQ is almost zero, and it is easy to do wrong things." "Deeply impressed. Practice has proved that a good temper will make your life better and make you do more with less; a bad temper can mess up your career and life. Mr. Nan Huaijin said in the "Analects of Discourse": "The upper class has the ability to have no temper, the middle class has the ability to have a temper, and the inferior person has no ability to have a temper." "Truly excellent and powerful successful people can always control their temper very well, rather than letting their temper dictate their words and deeds." Anger begins with stupidity and ends with regret. All the bad tempers, in the end, pay for it is themselves.

In addition to being angry and tantrum, it also has a great impact on physical and mental health. Someone said: "Anger is the number one killer of health, anger is the typical chronic suicide". Someone else said: "Every tantrum is a big earthquake, people's entire body and mind will be shaken apart, and it will be difficult to fully recover for a long time." Indeed, according to the data, when people lose their temper in anger, sympathetic excitement, norepinephrine and epinephrine secretion increase, blood pressure rises, heartbeat accelerates, gastric mucosa congestion, gastric acid secretion increases, the body will automatically release a large number of factors harmful to the respiratory system, destroying their own immune system, not only will strengthen the induction of heart disease, but also increase the probability of other diseases. So some people say that to be kind to yourself, you must start from not getting angry. Some people say: "The best way to save your life is not to maintain health, but to be kind to yourself and not to be angry."

Someone said, "Half of a person's temper comes from heredity, and half from upbringing." "I think it's not always the case, the temper is not good, although there are genetic reasons, there are external environmental influences, but more is the acquired self-cultivation is not enough." Some people say, "There is more anger and reading, and less sexual impatience and insight", which is somewhat reasonable. How to control your temper? This is a problem that I have been struggling for for a long time and have not solved well. I understand that the following three points are very important:

It is necessary to correctly respond to the stimuli of the external environment. External stimuli are triggers for anger and tantrums. When I was young, I read Marshal Chen Yi's poem, and two sentences are still very impressive: "We should know that the heavens and the earth are wide, and where there is no wind and clouds; we should know that the mountains and rivers are far away, and there are unevenness everywhere." "In life, no one will be smooth sailing, everyone will encounter ups and downs, and everyone will encounter unhappy and even angry things." If you do business, you will encounter competitors who unscrupulously, do not pay attention to integrity, maliciously lower prices, shoddy charging, and disrupt the market; many people will also encounter borrowing money and not repaying (or not repaying in time), knowing that gratitude will not be repaid, and even if they go to restaurants and tea houses to consume, they may encounter waiters who should not be called, unreasonable, and hurtful words. How to deal with the stimulation of these external encounters with disturbing things, so that you are not moved, do not get angry and lose your temper? This is a test of one's cultivation and wisdom. It is necessary to have the spirit of "having a panoramic view of the mountains and small mountains, smiling and taking revenge", and also having the mind of "enduring the calm of the wind and waves, taking a step back from the sea and the sky", and also having the shrewdness of "not being confused about big things, and pretending to be confused about small things". During the Kangxi Dynasty of the Qing Dynasty, the demeanor of Zhang Ying, the Wenhua Hall and the Rebbe Shangshu, is worth learning from, once his family flew to the capital city, saying that there was a dispute with the neighbors over the homestead, asking him to intervene, he wrote back to persuade the family to take the initiative to give in, and attached a poem: "The family letter of a thousand miles is only for the wall, so why bother him three feet; the Great Wall is still there today, and I don't see Qin Shi Huang in that year." The Zhang family saw the book clearly and took the initiative to give up three feet, and the neighbors were also deeply moved to give up three feet, leaving the famous "six feet lane" between the two courtyard walls since then.

Pay attention to controlling your emotions. Emotions are the internal factors that determine temper, and they are very critical. Napoleon said: "A man who can control his emotions is greater than a general who can take down a city." Jobs also said: "People are defeated by themselves, and first of all by their own emotions." Another said: "On the road of life, the biggest enemy is not ability, not opportunity, but our own emotions." "Everyone has emotional instability, bursting emotions is human instinct, and controlling emotions is people's ability." People who are really capable are people who are good at controlling their emotions, they will not be trapped in their minds by irritable emotions, and they will not let the emotions of anger flood freely. Emotions determine temper, and stable and good emotions are the basis and premise for controlling anger and stopping anger without tantrums. Tantrums, tempers, mainly reflected in the speech, often the voice becomes louder, without thinking, blurted out, export hurtful. As Mr. Liang Shiqiu said: "When the blood is boiling, reason is no longer sober, words and deeds are easy to exceed, and it is not suitable for others or themselves." "So, it's best to keep a good mood and not lose your temper. Once the anger comes up, we must pay attention to what we say, lower our voices as much as possible, slow down our speech, think well about it, seek truth from facts, discuss things as they are, and must not shout hysterically, turn over old accounts, expose scars, satirize and ridicule, and even insult personality. When you want to lose your temper, diverting the "line of sight" to avoid, shelving the dispute "cold treatment" and empathy are all good ways to work. People who are prone to tantrums, or learn from Lin Zexu, hang the words "control anger" in the lobby, sound the alarm bell for a long time, always remind themselves, think of the consequences and harms, and can also effectively control their temper. Nan Huaijin's secret of not being angry can also be used as a reference, he said that whenever he is angry, he immediately does a qigong, opens his mouth, first spits out a breath, and then inhales with his nose, swallows it, and then asks himself if he wants to lose his temper.

Don't be impatient. Impatience is the trigger for tantrums. People who are prone to impatience belong to the "agitated" personality, which is born with high adrenaline, which is a physiological phenomenon, especially needs to be paid enough attention to slowly change. From ancient times to the present, really powerful people have never been in a hurry. Don't sharpen your temper when things happen, and remember to be quick. Always warn yourself, do not be impatient when encountering things, many things, do not want to reach quickly, too eager will only be the opposite, the more anxious the more prone to mistakes, do not easily ignite the "easy to provoke" fuse. Hu Xueyan, a red-topped businessman, has a famous saying called "Slow is round" (from Qing Yu Wanchun's "Dangkou Zhi"): "It seems that this matter is slow and round, and it is difficult to achieve results in an urgent way." "), that is, do not be too hasty in everything, you must "slow down", there will be better responses and solutions, and it will also reduce the frequency of temper outbreaks and the harm caused. In the event of slow travel, it is like two people crossing a single wooden bridge, neither of them can pass, as long as one person stops, it will pass smoothly, the problem will be solved, and the anger will not dissipate.

(To be continued)