Valentine's Day always prompts people to think more about love. February 14 is approaching, and the single Xianming, Ye Chen and Lao Ai all plan to work as usual on this day, with no more arrangements. Lao Ai decided to be kind to himself and fried a steak at home at night instead of the daily wontons.
Shanghai "indigenous" Xian Ming, 38, is a university teacher. He likes beautiful girls, hopes to start his own small family, and has been in love several times on and off over the years. But due to family pressure and self-demand, it has not yet waited for the opportunity to get married.
Also 38 years old, Ye Chen is a typical "Shanghai drifter", from his hometown Anhui to Shanghai for 15 years. She has been a bridesmaid five times, and each time she is very touched, but she firmly believes that marriage is more than just a partner. Returning to his hometown during the Spring Festival this year, Ye Chen's parents did not urge marriage, and everyone chatted freely about the days after the lifting of the lockdown, full of hope for the future.
Ye Chen's puzzle
The 36-year-old Lao Ai has been urged to marry for more than a decade, and it is only in the last two years that his parents have gradually "given up". In Lao Ai's words, it is "unable to urge". This Spring Festival, the family of three had a peaceful Chinese New Year's Eve meal, and he still looked forward to marriage because he was free, but he did not intend to force this "task".
As they grow older, many people have become accustomed to being urged to marry by their elders and celebrate the holidays alone. In the WeChat chat box, Ye Chen sent a sighing emoji, and then laughed at himself: "The fortune teller said that I don't have peach blossoms this year." Xianming also felt: "This day is like being kidnapped by someone, and I want to stay at home and not come out." ”
Unlike usual toughness or indifference, revealing loneliness makes them soft.
It is close to the "year of not confused", after experiencing ups and downs of emotional acrosticism, some people still dare not say that they know love. In the days of dealing with their parents, they are more determined in their choices and still look for love on the road.
The following is the oral account of Xianming, Ye Chen and Lao Ai:
38-year-old college teacher Xianming: has not been married, once said by his father that he has "no face"
I've always wanted to get married, and I feel like I'm definitely getting married.
I majored in nursing as an undergraduate in medical school, and I didn't like it. At that time, I was plain-looking and introverted. Actually, I like beautiful girls, but I'm embarrassed to talk to them. I switched to literary studies, graduated with a doctorate, and returned to school after earning a living, where I have been doing academic work related to literary research. Until now, ten years after graduating with a doctorate, I have accumulated and grown little by little, and I have become a little more confident and cheerful.
One of the restaurants where Xianming went to eat in Shunde
At the age of 23, I talked to a nursing school girlfriend, and it was also the time when I most wanted to get married, the purest - simple ideas, regardless of material conditions. But after grad school, I found that there are many excellent and good-looking girls, and I have to become better in order to be worthy of others.
My parents are Shanghainese, and the requirements for daughters-in-law are also very traditional - the door is right, the other party must also be Shanghainese, with a good family and high education, to put it bluntly, it is the female version of "me". But such girls are hard to find, and they can't find what they are happy with. So every time I bring back a girl, my parents will be picky - family background, education, personal ability. The blind date they helped me match, even they were not satisfied, as if they were just to complete this "task".
It was also from the age of 23 that my parents began to urge me to get married. In the first two years of being urged to get married, I was sad, I also felt very inferior, and I felt that I did not deserve to find a good girl. Later, I slowly figured out that everything can only be done by one's own efforts, and cannot be expected from the family. When I graduated with my Ph.D. (at the age of 28), they urged me to get married again, and I stopped bothering.
Over time, I never got married.
The sunset taken by Xianming in the office
I've been in a relationship on and off all these years. When I was young, I was still very emotional and did not consider so many conditions. It's just that at that time, I didn't meet a girl I particularly liked, and I didn't have the urge to "definitely get married". After the age of thirty, I gradually became more rational and the object I found became better and better. In the past two years, I met a girl who I wanted to marry very much, but because her family conditions were much better than mine, her status was very different, and she did not get married in the end.
In fact, I am also a little obsessed with marriage - men should have a suite to talk about marriage. But my parents didn't give me financial support, and I couldn't buy such heavy assets on my own. So even if I meet a girl I really like, I am embarrassed to propose marriage to someone.
Ten years ago, I would quarrel with my parents about urging marriage. When I was the most fierce, my dad would say, "Why are you not responsible at all?" The sons of the people around are married, and if you don't get married, we will lose face? ”
But the two years have eased a lot. This year's New Year, I took my parents to Liangguang to escape the cold and had Chinese New Year's Eve meal in a Chaoshan hotel. At the dinner table, they still urged marriage: "You are almost forty years old, why are you not married?" "But it's much softer than before, mainly because they're older and don't have the energy to urge."
It's Valentine's Day soon, and I'm probably still going to be in the office doing academics. Every time I go to a festival like this, I feel that my mood has been kidnapped and I don't want to go out. I'm still working hard to save money. I want to get married and have children. I still like children, and I have to ensure that I can give my children a good growth environment, in which the economic foundation is the basic guarantee. I am very realistic and think that marriage should first talk about the obvious things (material things), and then talk about feelings, which will be longer.
Ye Chen, a 38-year-old bank clerk: I have been a bridesmaid five times, and I am very touched every time, but I can't shake anything
I am 38 years old, a Shanghai drifter, and my hometown is in Anhui. When I was 29, it was when I wanted to get married the most. Anxiety because of age. But once I turned 30, I thought it would be good to go with the flow.
I was single most days and didn't meet the right person. Arrive at work at eight thirty on weekdays. In his spare time, he likes to raise flowers, make coffee, dive, and build Lego, and his daily time is full and there are all kinds of fun things. So for me: it's better to have feelings, not to have and not to force.
Ye Chen's green plants
I do not reject marriage. But I think the premise of marriage is to meet the right person and love each other, and I don't want to get married because of a partner.
In 2016, I met an "ideal" boy. He looks good, and the three views are very suitable for me. I'm the kind of person who likes to follow rules and processes in everything. That boy happened to be the same, doing things very decently, and his heart was not extreme. We had a crush on each other, but we didn't get together in the end, and we are still friends.
Every year, my dad and grandma asked me about my feelings and marriage plans. But Dad thinks that girls don't have to get married, and it's good to read more and see the world. My mother also felt that whether to get married or not was her choice. Every New Year's holiday, when it comes to getting married, my relatives just ask and don't care too much. This year's New Year, everyone did not mention marriage, they were talking about the outlook after the recovery of the epidemic, which was very happy.
Ye Chen's Lego
Many of my friends around me are married, three-quarters. Between the ages of 26 and 33, I attended their weddings frequently and served as a bridesmaid five times, and I was very touched every time. But that doesn't shake me anything.
This Valentine's Day is a weekday, and I should go to work and work overtime at 8:30 as usual, and I don't plan to treat myself to extra meals. I feel like I'm a lot out of the box, and it's hard to find people who fit in. So I am ready to retire alone - when I am old, I will find a nursing home with a good environment to spend the rest of my life, so I am now working hard to make money.
36-year-old freelancer Lao Ai: I occasionally think of the girl I liked when I was 23 years old
I'm not completely freelancing, I take one day a week, and I have to take a long bus ride to school to lecture. Usually, I get up every morning to write (film reviews, drama reviews), and in the afternoon I read books and watch movies, which I learned from the writer Wang Anyi.
Lao Ai's daily eating of wontons
For as long as I can remember, my parents have been arguing ever since. But every time after arguing, they are very good, arguing for decades, and there has been no divorce. The reason for their quarrel is also simple: the faucet is not turned off, you wasted a few more cents... Life revolves around these trivialities. So I know that people who don't fit the rhythm of life are very painful together.
In the past, there were individual families in Shanghai where the salary was handed over to the wife after marriage, and the man received several hundred pocket money every month. This is something I can't accept - I don't like to be held hostage to people.
Since I was 22 years old, my parents have been urging me to find a girlfriend and get married. That's when I wanted to get married the most, like a child, and life went according to plan, thinking that I would be like everyone else. I don't know what I want, and my days are muddled.
At the age of 23, I changed majors to graduate school in art, and I felt that life had just begun. That same year, I fell in love with a girl who was my graduate classmate. I consider myself a very strange person, free by nature, who likes to do everything slowly, and she is also like this - calm, soft on the outside and rigid on the inside. We are good friends and have a very good understanding. In the past, we used to go to the teacher's rehearsal drama together. Once, while helping backstage, the teacher made a joke, and only we quickly got the laugh and smiled. That's when I felt the closest I got to her – just the two of us formed a tacit understanding.
I chased that girl for seven years, but she didn't agree with my confession, just connected with me intermittently, and we would go out to eat and walk like ordinary friends. By the time I graduated with my Ph.D., our contact gradually diminished. Until one day, I couldn't send her messages, and all messages were followed by a red exclamation mark - she completely cut off contact with me.
Lao Ai and friends have a hot pot to eat
Later, the girls I liked were almost the same - calm, assertive, soft on the outside and rigid on the inside, I wanted to find someone who was in line with the rhythm of my life - freedom of time, self-discipline in life. But it's not easy, and it's even harder to meet people you like each other.
After the age of 30, there are fewer and fewer friends who invite me to drink, and my pressure is naturally getting less and less. When I met them again to urge marriage, I reasoned: "Emotional things are reluctant, let them be." "They will also be advised to focus on self-actualization and have time to go out and play more."
In the past two years, my parents have not urged me. This year's New Year, our family of three ate the Tuan New Year meal - egg dumplings and steamed fish, all of which are traditional local dishes. They didn't say a word about getting married—they were too old to be pushed.
If one day I had a wedding, I might rent a villa on Chongming Island and invite friends and family over for two days — barbecues, photos, picnics, rather than a traditional hotel wedding. Looking back, I'm happy to hold on to something — looking forward to relationships and marriage, but not forcing it to do it. It's good that I haven't been changed.
Usually I watch movies, read books, rarely go to crowded parties, occasionally call a few friends out to get together, not lonely at all. This Valentine's Day friends are at work. I plan to get up in the morning to write and read in the afternoon, as usual. Fry yourself a steak in the evening and don't eat ravioli anymore.
Walking on the road, I occasionally think of the girl I liked when I was 23 years old, maybe I can see her one day walking on the road, maybe.
(At the request of interviewees, Ye Chen, Lao Ai, and Xianming are pseudonyms)