The kitchen was full of aroma, and I lightly put a plate of freshly fried omelets on the table, and Brother Zhao greeted me with a smile. He called my name: "Xiaofang, your craft is getting better and better." As he spoke, he kissed me lightly on the forehead. Although we are not legally married, the cordiality and tacit understanding speak for themselves.
It was drizzling outside, and on the way to the vegetable market with an umbrella, "You see the rain is good," he said, moving the umbrella to my side, for fear that I would get wet. The curious gazes of passers-by crossed our intertwined figures, leaving a trace of ambiguous temperature.
After dinner, walking on the path of the community under the dim light of the street lamp, the neighbor's wife came to greet him: "Yo, you two are really inseparable!" The two of us looked at each other and smiled without saying a word, in the eyes of outsiders, they may be just ordinary couples but mixed with an unusual atmosphere.
A community-hosted tea party also put our safety boundaries to the test. I stood in the crowd in a light blue dress and waited for Brother Zhao to appear. When he walked into the venue and put his arm around my shoulders and introduced to others: "This is my friend Li Xiaofang", the smile that immediately bloomed seemed to hide a bit of his relief and my heartstrings that I had not yet expressed.
At night, listening to the sound of traffic outside the window gradually faded away, and when I flipped through my reading materials on the sofa under the slightly drunken light, there was a kind of poetry that returned to plainness. In the chapter of writing life, "What happened today is quite interesting", I raised my head and casually chatted with Zhao Ziwen, who was peeling fruit.
His response was always so calm and factual that he said: "It's really interesting", did he pick up a glass of water and laugh at me? Although this kind of life is unorthodox, it is in line with the desire of two people to live a down-to-earth life, "Xiaofang, do you say?" ”
"Hmm......" I put away the book in my hand and nodded in a deep voice, and I couldn't help but feel a little mixed emotions wrapped around the answer to such a simple question.
The next day watering the flowers on the balcony, "Ah! This weather is perfect for outings! The sun shone on my face and I couldn't help but sigh, "If we can, we can go together." ”
"I said we should go together," he said, coming over and patting me on the shoulder, "Don't overthink yourself." ”
My laughter lingered in the morning air: "What I didn't expect was that this simple action would require multiple 'narrators' between us. ”
We are constantly exploring the meaning of human relationships, the definition of territory, and the phenomenon of what the so-called responsibilities and obligations belong to us.
In this process, the feelings of the people around you are not important, at most they are just some spices of life; What really affects the deep part of the soul is the choice to hold on or let go, which cannot be seen or touched, but always exists in the bits and pieces of our lives; It's like the pot of gentleman's orchid on the table in the living room.
One weekend at the end of spring, Brother Zhao and I were preparing a meal at home when the doorbell rang suddenly. Through the cat's eye, I saw a middle-aged woman standing outside with a young man. Zhao Ziwen seemed to realize who it was, "it's my cousin and cousin from my hometown", and his tone was slightly uneasy.
After the door opened, my cousin smiled eagerly: "Ziwen, haven't you forgotten us after not seeing you for many years!" Then he turned his gaze to me to the side, "Who is this girl?" ”
"This is Xiaofang." Brother Zhao Xu added in order to ease the atmosphere: "We take care of each other in the city. ”
Her eyebrows were slightly raised, and her eyes revealed inquiry and curiosity. Between lunches, the topic always goes around and around our relationship. My heart grew heavier and heavier, and I felt powerless in the face of this blood relationship.
Between 3 and 4 o'clock in the afternoon, the sun reflected through the curtains on the living room sofa and swayed mottled shadows, "The woman kept asking me about the two of us, which made me a little uncomfortable", I did not use the word "she" but "the woman".
Xiaofang...... Didn't they go this way? We can't help it. His voice was gentle with comfort, but it seemed to hide a hint of helplessness.
A few more days later, I cleaned up the restaurant with mixed emotions while preparing for a dinner with relatives. It makes me uncomfortable when we talk at the table as if someone is always prying into our private lives.
The relatives who arrived at the dinner began to talk about housework, and suddenly asked about our future plans, "Hehehe~ Is this a secret that you don't plan to make public?" Their ridicule made the atmosphere at the dinner table extremely embarrassing.
I got up in embarrassment and tried to evacuate this misunderstanding topic, but I heard another sharp voice on the stage, which pointed to the point: "I don't know that others still think you are really a couple."
In the silence, when Zhao Ziwen opened the conversation box and stood up to explain and refute, I saw the subtle features at the corners of his eyes - fine lines and hyperplasia, and the traces of blue under his eyes could not hide the tiredness, "We are a husband and wife similar to family but different from the traditional sense, I hope you can understand." ”
As night fell, the city lights twinkled, the stars lit up, passers-by returned home, and the road was long and stressful.
At this time, he sat in front of me and spread out the topic with me to lay out the arguments, and in order to justify it, he did not think much about me, but I felt a sense of loneliness that I had never felt before......
When Zhao Ziwen got home, I was sitting in the dim light of the living room, my eyebrows furrowed. The constant questions and doubts of my relatives echoed in my head. Immediately afterwards, Zhao Ziwen sat down next to me and asked, "Xiaofang, are you a little unhappy?" The tone was full of concern.
I tried to hide the anxiety in my heart, and my tone was a little rusty: "It's nothing, I just feel like the atmosphere here has been a bit oppressive lately." ”
"I know it's not going to be easy to deal with. I can see that you have chosen to endure a lot of unnecessary pressure for me here. His silence was accompanied by a soft sigh, "Actually, I'm working on it too." ”
In the dead of night, we continued to discuss this topic, as if we could never find an exit, but we were not willing to give up easily, "Are you thinking about something, Xiaofang?" He asked, grabbing my arm.
"I'm wondering....... should we end this ambiguous relationship just here?" I've made countless assumptions and plans on my own, but once I say it, I feel like my internal organs are shaking and I can't help myself.
"How do you say that? We decided to come together after a lot of thought! For the first time, his voice sounded as urgent as an arrow from the string, "Xiaofang, can you please calm down?" ”
I insisted, "So what are we now?" Friend, partner, or something else? What should people on the outside think of our relationship? "Two pale souls tearing each other's shadows at each other in the cramped space.
Our conversation condensed in the air as sharp and transparent as ice crystals. My heart is like a knife, but I still stand my ground, and I would rather be in pain than be reduced to the world.
One afternoon, I met with my closest friend Cui Min, and I confided in her the truth about my hesitation, confusion, and love-hate as the bitter coffee slowly opened in the café as the temperature turned from hot to cold:
"Min'er...... Do you know? I think this nameless life makes me feel so uncomfortable...... Every day, I endure what I shouldn't bear."
Her hand touched my back as a sign of comfort: "You have to understand what your heart really needs!" You have the right to pursue a relationship of transparency, not to be hidden from prying eyes. ”
Listening to my friend's words, I began to thoroughly examine the values and subjective desires that my heart really longed for—it was actually very simple but so complex, and as a new woman who longed to breathe freely and free from the shackles of her own cognition, this identity did not make me feel heavy, but I realized more deeply that this is the trace of the pain that each bondage brings to me......
Like a stone stirring up a thousand waves, this twist and turn began to force me to start calmly looking for a solution, so that my emotional world was no longer dark and wet, but full of sunlight and air......
After some days of struggle and deliberation, we finally came to a decision: we had to accept the fact that our temporary relationship was coming to an end, albeit reluctantly. Brother Zhao walked into our living room in silence, and when I was packing up and preparing to leave, my heart felt like I had knocked over a five-flavor bottle - all kinds of tastes were indescribable.
He slowly stood up, "Xiaofang, in the last moment when I was still in this house......" Brother Zhao hesitated, looking at me with a look full of complexity, "Can you do me a favor?" ”
"Absolutely. What exactly is it? I approached him and asked, expectant on my face.
"Follow me." Ning Yao Ziwen turned around and led me into the bedroom.
The room is still clean and warm, but there is an indescribable sense of emptiness, "There is a box here... It's hidden under the bed over there," he said, pointing to the place where the miscellaneous items were stored in the shadows around the corner.
In the process of searching for the box, my heart sank. Zhang Xiaolan put the wooden locket in her hand in front of me,
"Maybe opening it right now isn't for any of us...... But when you're ready to face it, maybe you'll understand a lot of things. ”
After saying these words, he picked up the rest of his duffel bag and stepped out the door, looking back at the door, taking a deep breath and casting a concerned look, "Whether you want to open it or seal it..... Remember, it's all up to you. ”
When the door closed, the sound seemed to cut through all the entangled love threads, leaving only echoes that hit every inch of space in the room, setting off ripples and spreading out in circles, and at this time, no words speak louder......
As the days passed, this past gradually faded into a deep memory in my heart, but in the leisure and empty time, thinking of the small wooden box lying quietly under the bedside still makes my heart fluctuate, and a subtle emotional impulse is overflowing, a heavy feeling, but it is never so clear and detailed.
Until a cloudy afternoon, the streets outside were full of gloom and panic, and the interior was even darker and depressing, so I had a plan, and suddenly wanted to check the little treasure that had been hidden for a long time, and see if I could find something precious from it, or something that confirmed the emotion of that faint water.
So he stumbled and lit the lamp, half-squatted under the bed, stared at the old ones in front of him, slightly stained because of the years, but he could still see the traces that the master had painted with the paint before, and stroked them repeatedly, as if touching a fragment of a story that had been lost in the gap between the years,
Slowly and solemnly, open the small and delicate buckle, and what catches your eye are two cross-era photos and a line of uneven handwriting that has been corroded by time - we are the scenery on each other's road, enriching each other's lives along the way, although the journey is not the end, I hope that the journey is safe and sunny,
Suddenly, all the backlog blocks in my heart surged up, and the corners of my eyes turned into a teardrop, dripping cool, in that photo, it was sweet and astringent, clear and thorough, my cognition of him and the direction of self-worth and pursuit, even if there is no Zhao Ziwen to accompany me in the future, I will move forward alone, bravely take a step, rely on my own strength to wash away those dull and obscure, and continue to chase my own life and climb up.