In the eyes of the people around him, Chen Si is someone else's parent. In May last year, she published the book "Emotional Control", which topped the list of new psychology books on Dangdang.com as soon as it was listed. In addition to being a popular author, she is also a respected psychological counselor, family education instructor, Kunming Women's Federation Distinguished Lecturer, Government Distinguished Family Education Lecturer, and Emotional Release Technology Therapist.
Chen Si's 11-year-old son Zhang Jiqun is a child of other people's families, not only has excellent academic performance - he has won many awards in provincial and municipal competitions, various certificates are pasted all over the wall, and he is also versatile - he can play Go, and he has reached the 3rd stage; He was able to program robots and won the second prize of the national competition and the second prize of the "2023 World Robot Competition Youth Robot Design Competition"; The level of recitation is not low, and he won the "Chinese Star" trophy (national second prize......
But just 4 years ago, Zhang Jiqun looked mediocre, and Chen Si even felt that he had a lot of problems and was a backward student. How did these miraculous changes happen?
01
I've done so much for you, why are you so uncompetitive
"For your sake, I quit my good job as an architect and went to study psychology and family education. I've read so many books just to train you well, but why are you so uncompetitive? ”
In April 2020, Chen Si went to attend a parent-teacher conference for her son, who is in the first grade of primary school. At the meeting, the teacher told her that Zhang Jiqun did not listen carefully in class and his academic performance was not satisfactory, so she paid more attention.
After returning home, Chen remembered that her son didn't want to do his homework at home during this time, so she reasoned with her son, but his son didn't listen at all, so she yelled at her son angrily. Looking at her son's bitter face, she felt that the psychology and family education she had studied for 5 years had been in vain, and she couldn't help but feel a sense of frustration......
In 1986, Chen Si was born in a family of teachers in Northeast China. My mother is an excellent homeroom teacher in the local middle school, and she is strict with her students, and she maintains a strong style when she goes home. If Chen Si regresses slightly, he will be criticized by his mother, which makes Chen Si feel very depressed all the time.
In 2005, Chen Si graduated from high school. In order to escape from her mother, she deliberately chose Kunming University of Science and Technology to major in architecture when she applied for university. From the Northeast to Kunming, it is equivalent to crossing the whole of China, in order to get rid of the oppressive feeling of being monitored by his mother.
After marriage, Chen Si stayed in Kunming to live. But I didn't expect that my mother-in-law, like my mother, often gave her a lot of advice on the grounds of "for your good". In 2013, Chen Si gave birth to his son Zhang Jiqun. The different parenting concepts between the two generations have caused conflicts, and Chen Si, who loves more seriously, suffers from mild depression.
When he was in a bad mood, Chen Si often yelled at the child, which made Xiao Jiqun very insecure. Throughout his kindergarten years, he appeared timid, cautious, introverted and sensitive.
One year, on Children's Day, Chen Si took his 3-year-old son to the park to play. Colorful flowers dot the turquoise meadows, and the artificial lake is surrounded by romantic Gesang flowers; In the amusement park, children chase and play happily in the sun......
Chen Siyi swept away his usual depression, picked up his mobile phone with great interest, and prepared to take a photo of mother and son. But when she lifted her phone, she found that her son in the camera was not smiling at all. He had a bitter face and a loveless expression, which was completely different from the smiling children of the same age around him. Chen Si realized that his poor mental state had affected his children. She was determined to change herself.
The next day, Chen Si enrolled in a course on psychology and family education online, and also bought a lot of related books online to study carefully. As she learns, she puts what she has learned into practice. But she has been studying for four or five years, and she has always raised her son in the "right" way, why hasn't her son improved at all?
With this question, Chen Si consulted a well-known family education expert. After the expert learned about her original family and the method of teaching her children, they found the reason: she believed in the death theory in the book excessively, and was in a hurry, and wanted to instill the knowledge she learned into her children every day, which made the children lose their spiritual freedom and space for self-growth. Experts advised her to learn to let go.
Chen Si began to reflect: Why didn't he dare to let go? Because subconsciously afraid that the child will take a detour. But taking detours is actually a good self-education, which can allow children to grow up in frustration. If parents interfere and control too much, children lose the opportunity to educate themselves. After Chen thought about this, he began to really let go and let his son learn to take responsibility for himself.
02
Let go of the "three hearts" and become a wiser mother
Chen Si first tried to let go of his excessive concern. In the early winter when my son was 8 years old, one morning, the temperature suddenly dropped. She pulled out a down jacket from the cupboard for her son to put on, but he didn't feel cold in the house and didn't want to go out in such a thick outfit, so he insisted on wearing a short coat.
In the past, Chen Si would definitely put the down jacket on the child. But this time she didn't do it, but said to her son emotionally stable: "It's a good habit to be able to make your own choices and not rely on others to make decisions, and my mother praises you."
This coat is very thin, only suitable for spring and autumn wear, it can't withstand the cold wind, and it is much colder outside than inside the house. But I don't bind you, you think it through and decide for yourself. If you're not afraid of the cold, just do what you want. ”
As a result, the son put on a short coat and walked for less than 15 minutes, but he was so cold that he couldn't stand it, and he bent his neck and begged his mother to go home and change his down jacket. Chen Si gently refused: "Jiqun, now you feel cold, it is the result of your own choice, and you have to learn to bear the consequences of your choice." If you walk back, you will be late for class. ”
The son said anxiously, "We can take a taxi!" "Are you willing to take responsibility for your choice – to pay for a taxi with your own money?" Zhang Jiqun thought about it, nodded and agreed.
Since Chen Si let go of excessive care, when Zhang Jiqun met his parents to give him advice, he no longer willfully insisted on his own ideas, but learned to combine his parents' suggestions with his own inner thoughts, and came up with a better plan that he would not regret afterwards. Chen Si was very happy to see that his son would not be stubborn, and he would not lose his assertiveness because of total obedience.
After successfully letting go of excessive care, Chen Si began to let go of the second heart: the comparison heart. Many parents want their children to fight for their parents, and Chen Si used to be like this.
When the child won the award, she showed off everywhere, wanting to prove her success through the child's success; If the child does not get good grades, disappointment is immediately written on her face.
Once, when her son had a final exam, she went to a parent-teacher conference. She couldn't find her son's name in the top 20, and her heart suddenly became cold. Seeing his mother's unhappy face, Zhang Jiqun felt very depressed, and he spoke timidly, and tried to avoid staying with her when he went home.
Now Chen Si realizes that everyone has their own characteristics, and she must allow her children to be themselves, accept her children's unsatisfactory side, and allow her son to grow up in the direction she expects. Even if the child is just a student with average grades, she loves him just as much.
After figuring this out, Chen Si said to his son: "Jiqun, my mother was too vain in the past, which made you mistakenly think that if you are not perfect, you are not worthy of your mother's smiling face and love. But what Mom wants to tell you is that every child is the person their parents love the most, and they are all unique. Some children did not do well in Chinese, but they played basketball very well. You don't have to live in your mother's expectations, you can live according to your ideals. What kind of person you want to be in the future and what kind of life you want to live, after you think about it, you can strive for your goals. ”
Chen Si's words made Zhang Jiqun's originally nervous heart suddenly relaxed, and the expression on his face relaxed. What makes Chen Si even happier is that since she let go of comparison, her son's learning state has become different, and his grades have been getting better and better.
His son won the Grand Prize of the Chinese Language Bank
The third heart that Chen Si let go of was the perfect heart. Many parents are prone to a misunderstanding in education, requiring their children to choose the right one time, and then no matter what happens, they must stick to it. The same is true for Chen Si. When his son was in the third grade of primary school, Chen Si used the summer vacation to take him on a trip to Singapore.
Along the way, everyone around him was speaking English, but he couldn't understand a word, Zhang Jiqun was anxious and depressed. After returning to China, Chen Si enrolled his son in one of the most famous children's English training classes. As a result, the difficult teaching directly extinguished his son's original interest in learning, and after only three months of study, he cried and made a fuss and didn't want to learn anymore.
After that, Chen Si no longer interfered with the child's interests and let him choose his own interest classes. Zhang Jiqun enrolled himself in taekwondo classes, painting classes, Go classes, speech recitation classes, and programming classes.
But not all interest classes, Zhang Jiqun can stick to it. Sometimes seeing that his son chose his own interest class, and he didn't want to study it after studying for a year and a half, Chen Si was very angry and felt that it was a waste.
But after thinking about it, didn't I stick to learning yoga and practicing equipment by myself? Didn't you run out of your fitness card? Why do children have to do things that parents can't do on their own? Since you have decided to let go and give your child the right to educate himself, you must allow him to make mistakes and try and make mistakes.
By allowing his son to try and make mistakes, allowing him to experience as much as possible, and allowing him to give up some of his choices, his son found his true interests and hobbies - Go and robot programming, and has continued to learn to this day, immersed in it, and won many honors.
When Zhang Jiqun learned self-education and self-management, Chen Si did not have to "accompany the prince to read" every day like other mothers, but had more time to improve himself, published the book "Emotional Control", and became a rookie among female writers in Yunnan Province.
This is the beautiful story of a mother and child growing up together and achieving each other.
Source: Marriage & Family Magazine