Recently, "The Story of Rose" has sparked a lot of discussion, especially the character of Fang Xiewen, whose huge contrast before and after marriage has surprised and angered the audience.
When Fang Xiewen pursued roses, he was willing to pay more than 20,000 yuan in rent for her, and he looked like he had done everything for roses, but after marriage, he even had to limit his manicure to 300 yuan.
After marriage, Fang Xiewen could afford to buy a house of 1.3 million yuan and give his mother 5,000 yuan for living expenses, but he still had to transfer away Rose's only remaining savings of 20,000 yuan?
This very different behavior begs the question: Are men very different before and after marriage?
01 Strong mom online
Mr. Yang Jiang said: "Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can't be in the same family, otherwise no matter how good the relationship between husband and wife is, they will be separated." ”
In the marriage of Fang Xiewen and Rose, the presence of the mother-in-law is a clear obstacle.
As a child who was raised by his mother since he was a child, it seems natural for Fang Xiewen to take his mother to live with him after marriage, but this mother-in-law is not a loving elder.
She complained about the way roses were consumed, and complained to her son: "She bought enough money for me to buy vegetables for a week." ”
The son explained: "That's people's own money, and they save it themselves. The old mother still had rebuttals, and encouraged her son to raise roses.
When the mother-in-law gave birth to the rose, she forcibly prevented the painless delivery for fear of hurting the child. It can be seen that she is usually not soft on roses.
In married life, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has always been a sensitive and complex topic.
For Fang Xiewen, as a child who grew up in a single-parent family, the emotional bond between him and his mother is particularly strong.
His mother raised him with hard work, and this deep family affection made it impossible for him to easily refute any of his mother's opinions and decisions.
Robert Owen, a famous French thinker, once put forward the idea that "man is a product of the environment", emphasizing the importance of the environment for human development and character formation.
Fang Xiewen's growth model determines that he can't do things against his mother's wishes in front of his mother, which is why he was criticized by the audience as a "mom treasure man".
Before marriage, Fang Xiewen was able to give 100% to Rose, showing his sincerity and enthusiasm for this relationship.
But after marriage, he chose to take his mother to live with him, not just to take better care of his mother, but because of his deep inner dependence on his mother and the importance of family responsibilities.
The influence of the family of origin is evident at this time. The addition of her mother-in-law has brought a huge impact to Fang Xiewen and Rose's little day.
The mother-in-law's dissatisfaction and pickiness about Rose, coupled with Fang Xiewen's inability to refute his mother, could only wronged his wife, making Rose isolated in this family.
The conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in marriage is not only the harshness of the mother-in-law, but also Fang Xiewen's over-dependence on his mother and neglect of his wife.
02 Inferiority complex
The influence of the original family not only brought about the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, but also deeply rooted the inferiority complex in Fang Xiewen's heart.
Psychologist Alfred Adler noted: "At the heart of all human problems is an inferiority complex. ”
When Fang Xiewen faced Rose and her family, this inferiority complex became more and more obvious.
In order to gain the approval of Rose's parents, he always speaks without leaking, does his homework in advance, tries his best to please his father-in-law and mother-in-law, and strives not to make mistakes in every detail.
When Rose's friend Su Su came to visit her in Shanghai, Fang Xiewen tried his best to show his advantages in front of them, for fear that he would leave a bad impression in their hearts.
Rose's friend Su Gengsheng also nodded to him: "Don't feel inferior, since she chose you, you have no competitors." ”
But these words did not really dispel Fang Xiewen's inferiority complex, he always felt that Rose's family and friends did not treat their relationship well, and this inner inferiority complex was even deeper.
As the old saying goes: "If you are confident in your life for 200 years, you will be hit by water for 3,000 miles." "Self-confidence is not only an affirmation of oneself, but also a positive attitude towards life.
It is this self-confidence that Fang Xiewen lacks, and his low self-esteem not only limits his own development, but also affects his relationship with Rose.
After marriage, Fang Xiewen's career slowly got on the right track, but he repeatedly urged Rose to be a full-time wife at home. This is not so much machismo as a psychology of gain and loss.
Fang Xiewen didn't want Rose to return to the workplace, because he was worried that once Rose returned to work, she would find her youthful and brilliant self, which was unacceptable to Fang Xiewen.
Fang Xiewen's behavior towards Rose is precisely because he feels deeply inferior, and is afraid that Rose will realize the gap between them after regaining his career and leave him.
Fang Xiewen is controlled by the fear in her heart, afraid of losing her rose, afraid that she will become independent, afraid that she will find a better choice than him in the outside world.
Fang Xiewen's low self-esteem made him unable to let Rose pursue his dreams, but instead tied her under his control.
03 Control and explosion
Because of his low self-esteem, Fang Xiewen's desire to control roses has become increasingly strong.
Although he could afford to buy a big house of 1.3 million, he transferred away Rose's only remaining savings of 20,000 yuan on the grounds that the down payment was not enough.
This behavior made Rose completely dependent on him financially, making it even more impossible to leave the marriage.
When he saw that Rose was ready to go out to work, he sent his mother back to his hometown, and without his mother-in-law to help take care of the baby, Rose was naturally difficult to go out to work.
This desire to control is not only to maintain the stability of the marriage, but also to make up for one's inner insecurity.
But true love is love for love's sake, not for the sake of escaping loneliness and fear. Fang Xiewen's desire to control is not out of love for roses, but from his fear of loneliness and abandonment.
Fang Xiewen's behavior in this marriage is not only to control Rose, but also to restrain his mother.
He took his mother to Shanghai and let her live in a small attic to take care of his daughter-in-law and granddaughter, which seemed to be filial piety to his mother, but in fact it was a kind of control over his mother.
My mother complained: "I've been in Shanghai for so long, and I haven't seen you take me down to the restaurant!" This sentence expresses her helplessness and bitterness.
Fang Xiewen's so-called filial piety is more about using his mother to help him control the roses, so that his mother can take on the responsibility of taking care of the family, and he can have no worries in his career.
In this family environment, Rose's situation can be described as difficult. She not only has to face her mother-in-law's criticism, but also has to deal with Fang Xiewen's control.
Fang Xiewen's behavior deprived Rose of her financial independence and personal space, making her feel depressed and helpless in her marriage.
Shakespeare wrote in Othello, "Jealousy is a green-eyed monster that mocks the flesh it devours." ”
Fang Xiewen's desire to control is like a jealous green-eyed monster that devours his love for Rose, and turns into a restraint and injury to her.
What's even more heart-wrenching is that Fang Xiewen's control of Rose does not stop at the economic level, but also involves her life choices.
When Rose hopes to return to work, Fang Xiewen blocks her work plan by sending her mother away to increase the burden on Rose's family.
In family relationships, love is just as important as respect. Fang Xiewen's behavior not only deprived Rose of his job opportunity, but also showed his disrespect and distrust of Rose.
This kind of control will only make the marital relationship more strained, and eventually lead to the breakdown of the relationship, and only by learning true love can the stability of the marriage be maintained.
As 1 Corinthians says, "Love is long-suffering and kind; Love is not jealous, love is not boastful, not arrogant. ”
Write at the end
The filial piety on the surface and the "protection" of his wife are actually manifestations of Fang Xiewen's deep insecurity.
He uses financial control and family responsibilities to bind the women around him, trying to maintain his inner balance in this way.
However, this desire for control only makes the marriage more precarious, and also deprives both his mother and wife of true happiness and freedom
Marriage is about mutual respect and understanding, not control and restraint by one party.
Whether it is a conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law or a conflict between husband and wife, in the end, two people need to face and solve it together.
Only in this way can marriage truly move towards the other side of happiness.
Encourage you ~
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