Intensive reading mother said: the education of the united front, presenting harmony and beauty, children are naturally happy and relaxed will not be less; reduce denial and comparison, give children positive encouragement, children will inevitably be confident and excellent;
Author: Wooden Man (Parents Intensive Reading Author)
I watched a video and was quite sad.
The man said that he was afraid to go home, and the other person asked because: "Your father always cut you?" ”
He said that now his father could not move his fists, but he had to open his mouth, and every time he came home, he felt that he was ashamed of the heavens and the earth.
He said that when he grew up, the most common sentence he heard was: "Do you look at people's children?" How do you look like this? ”
"You're a courier, you don't have the life to be a singer."
He said he could understand his parents, but he could never forgive them.
The man's words were full of helplessness, and he made up his mind that if he became a father, he would "always think about whether his actions would hurt him."
Because you have been hurt by your parents, try to avoid hurting your children.
Loving children is something that every parent is willing to do, and loving children in the right way is also a lesson we have been learning.
Tolstoy said: "Loving children is what old hens do, and the key is how to educate." ”
Love is appropriate, parents are relaxed, children benefit, and toxic parenting methods will only make children's parents lose both.
If you don't want to hurt your child, please stay away from these toxic parenting methods.
One-half parenting
Teacher Wu Zhihong wrote in the book: "The family structure with problems can often be reduced to one pattern: an anxious mother, an absent father, and a problematic child. ”
Such a phenomenon is too common, how many families in the child's education, parenting, etc., should be regarded as the mother's task, as if the father is just a title.
As everyone knows, the absence of the father will only lead to the mother's irritability, and sometimes the grumpy mother will directly vent to the child.
When chatting with friends, she vomited badly, and her husband said that she had a bad temper after giving birth, but she never introspected why?
She said that her husband used to play games when he came home, and he had no intention of playing with his children, and sometimes the children looked for him, and he also disliked the children and influenced him to play games. Staring intently at the phone, stingy glance at the child.
Every time I saw this scene, I was angry and helpless, and sometimes I would point out Sang Huai and say to the child: "You don't have a father," "You are stupid, and people ignore you." ”
At this time, the other party is either indifferent or directly begins to quarrel, and finally the child cries and his heart is hurt.
If you can't accompany your children more because of your busy work, you can also understand that if you come home from work, you would rather play with your mobile phone and be stingy with your children, which is undoubtedly an incompetent parent.
The functions of parents vary and are indispensable.
The book "Psychological Nutrition" says: "If it is said that in terms of giving a sense of security, the mother is more important than the father. Well, in terms of affirmation and recognition, dad is more important than mom. ”
Dad teaches children to be brave and responsible, and mothers teach children to be serious and delicate, and the two roles complement each other and are indispensable.
Psychology points out that with the involvement of the father's role, children have higher IQs, and children are more compassionate, healthier, and more likely to succeed.
Children with fathers involved in education will develop better in the future than children who are unilaterally educated by their mothers.
Born with parents, the common companionship and love of parents is to give children complete love, the absence of either party will make love lack. Love the child please give the child the most complete love.
Two watches for parenting
There is a personal watch law in psychology, which refers to the time when a person has a watch, and when he has two watches at the same time, he cannot be sure.
Two watches can not tell a person a more accurate time, but will make the person watching lose confidence in the accurate time.
In family education, the opposing attitude of parents is like two watches in front of the child, and the child cannot accept the right time.
In "The Boy Says", a classmate once complained that his parents were not cute.
Because his parents often quarreled over the question of which one came first for his studies and homework.
He said: "Once I wanted to play a game first, my dad thought I could play the game first, and my mom thought I should learn first. ”
As a result, the parents quarreled fiercely over this, and finally filed for divorce.
The child blamed himself and said: "At that time, I was crying and blaming myself, if I studied well and had good habits, my parents would not have quarreled." ”
The demolition behavior of parents who do not give in to each other is self-blame in the eyes of children. Behind the self-blame is division and chaos.
At this time, both parents, just like the two watches in front of the child, in a moment, two kinds of time, the father is reasonable, the mother is reasonable, you have to go east, he wants to go west, each other is like a tug-of-war, the child is divided into two, and it is difficult to distinguish between victory and defeat.
Mom and dad love each other is home, tearing each other down and opposing each other is abominable, staging horror movies for children, and finally hurting even more deeply is still children.
Deny comparative parenting
Many parents, accustomed to stingy praise, afraid that their children are proud of this, always deny their children, prefer to use "other people's children" to motivate their children, try to make children strive to catch up, but often backfire.
I watched a video and was very touched.
The little girl took the test paper and excitedly told her grandmother that she had scored a hundred points.
Grandma actually smiled and said, "That's your luck, let you copy it, you are better than you at the same table every time", the little girl wanted to cry without tears.
When she said, "Grandma, I also want to learn to dance," Grandma used to deny, "As long as you have thick arms and legs, I don't see you focusing on learning." ”
Hit more, less confidence and morale, near graduation girls began to look for jobs, Grandma looked at the phone and said, "You look at the current children, the psychological endurance is so low,"
The girl told her grandmother to go to the interview, but the grandmother showed off to her granddaughter: "Linlin downstairs has been admitted to the civil service, and if I want to have such a granddaughter, I will burn high incense." ”
The girl hit back with a serious face and said, "Then why don't you recognize her as your granddaughter", and the grandmother is angry: "You can't even make jokes."
The girl suddenly shouted: "From childhood to adulthood, the most I heard was 'you can't', do you know how inferior I am?" ”
Grandma said lightly, "I was motivating you, but your own psychological quality is not good."
Children who are denied and more motivated will not become excellent, but will have many side effects.
Psychologist Adler said: "Using 'comparison' to spur a child will only make him lose confidence and hurt inside." To find his strengths, so that children can discover their own strengths, is the most important thing. ”
"You can't do it" "You're not good" Parents think that the denial of good intentions will actually only hit the child's self-confidence and make the inferiority take advantage of it.
Over time, the personality also becomes pessimistic, everything always sees a negative and bad side, self-confidence can not be sought, success and excellence naturally have no connection with it.
There is an expectation effect in psychology, and in order to make a person develop better, positive expectations should be passed on to him.
Positive expectations drive people in a good direction, and negative expectations lead people to the bad. In short, "Say you can do it, you can do it; say you can't do it, you can't do it." ”
To be truly good for your child, please reduce denial and comparison, and use encouragement and support to help children fly higher.
Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott said:
"Raising a child to grow into an emotionally healthy adult who can form healthy links with others requires a certain amount of emotional interaction, empathy, and sustained attention from parents as fuel."
As parents, the most expected of their children is undoubtedly health and excellence, but many times, our wrong actions will always lead to backfire.
Please remember that parents love each other and share common ground, which is the foundation for the healthy growth of children;
The united front of education presents harmony and beauty, and children are naturally happy and relaxed;
Reduce denial and comparison, give children positive encouragement, and children will inevitably be confident and excellent;
May we all act and reflect, and use the right parenting methods to help our children's tomorrow be better.
About the author: Wooden people, parents intensive reading columnist, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, unauthorized, may not be reproduced, infringement will be investigated
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