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On February 20th, Guangzhou ushered in the coldest wave of this winter, and it was still raining. A junior high school girl ran away from home at 2 a.m. after arguing with her family about her homework.
After 5 hours of searching, the police finally found her under a viaduct. At that time, the girl was thinly dressed, only slippers on her feet, her face was pale from the cold rain, her limbs were stiff, and it was difficult to even walk.
The image comes from the Internet
Recently, the news column of Guangdong Radio and Television Station reported on the matter, and the girl was no longer in serious trouble after being examined and treated by the hospital. The TV reporter also interviewed my professional opinion:
Children run away from home for homework, what kind of psychology does this reflect teenagers?
How can parents rationally and effectively deal with their children running away from home and avoid recurrence?
Because of the limited duration of the TV news, the reasons why the girl ran away from home and my analysis are relatively simple.
When the reporter came to interview me, she told me that this girl actually had good grades and was a good student in the eyes of the teacher. But doing homework at home is very slow, sometimes at 12 o'clock, 1 o'clock, or even later.
The girl's parents feel that this affects the rest, on the one hand, they blame the girl for procrastinating in doing homework, and on the other hand, they also advise her not to do something that cannot be completed. But the girl did not cling, even if it was three more in the middle of the night, she insisted on completing all the homework.
That night, the girl wrote her homework again until very late, the father felt that she was too slow, impatient, yelled at her a few times, the two sides quarreled, and the child ran away from home.
Many people may feel very speechless after understanding the origin of the matter:
What happened to the children now? Can't be scolded, parents yell a few words to run away from home, how can the ability to bear it so poor? What if something goes wrong?
Indeed, the safety risk of children running away from home is high. Like the girl in the news, if the police do not find her in time, she is likely to be in danger of life in the cold wind and rainy weather.
However, if parents always understand their children's running away from home as "temper tantrums", "glass hearts" and "emotional troubles", it is even more dangerous:
This means that parents do not have the consciousness to solve the child's deep psychological problems, and the child is likely to run away from home again, and even become more intense, self-harm, suicide, resulting in tragedy!
Therefore, for this topic, based on scientific knowledge of spiritual psychology, we have the following important suggestions, I hope parents must keep in mind:
First, if the child runs away from home, it means that he has serious mental and psychological problems, and even signs of common mental and psychological disorders such as depression and bipolar disorder.
The child may also have had suicidal thoughts, but he did not have the courage to carry them out.
Some parents may say that their children run away from home in order to scare and retaliate against their parents, so they dare not do anything really out of the ordinary.
It is true that some children run away from home to express anger and dissatisfaction with their parents, or to get enough attention from their parents to force their parents to change. This expression is indeed irrational and mature.
But why are children so angry at their parents? This shows that the resentment between parents and children has been deepened, parents have inadvertently caused superimposed psychological trauma to them, and the child's negative emotions are very strong.
If parents really do not reflect on themselves and do not change, and the parent-child contradiction is further increased, it is not ruled out that the child will further lose his rationality and express anger in a more extreme way, and the security risk will be greater. Severe mood swings can also affect a child's mental and physical health, which in turn can lead to mental and psychological disorders.
Second, once the child is found to be running away from home, parents should find the child in the fastest time, and they can ask the police for help in time, without waiting for the so-called disappearance of 24 hours later.
The above news is a good example, the girl ran away at 2 a.m., the parents called the police at 6 a.m., and finally successfully found the child.
Third, after parents find their children, they must not scold, blame, or complain, but quickly comfort and care for their children, and ensure that their children are healthy.
If the child is very resistant to a certain parent, it can be comforted and accompanied by family members who have a good relationship with the child, so that they can come out of a state of tension and fear.
Of course, many parents are aware of this. The child runs away from home, when the parents are scared to death, it is lucky to find the child, where is the willing to scold? Definitely hugging and kissing the child, coaxing and protecting.
Of course, this is no problem, but also the love of parents for their children, and many children will be very moved. But the problem is that many parents will deliberately avoid talking about this matter in the future, and never mention the contradiction between the child running away from home and the previous two sides.
In this way, the child's serious psychological problems cannot be solved in depth, and the actual contradictions often exist. Also, if the child also has obvious responsibilities and faults in the parent-child conflict, but the parents avoid talking about it, it is easy for the child to have a fluke mentality, thinking that as long as they run away from home and escape from reality, they can solve the problem.
Liu Ke, a patient we have treated, once went out to play in elementary school, and when she returned to the door, she had exceeded the time agreed with her mother. Because his mother was very strict, Liu Ke was afraid of being scolded and beaten, so he ran to the neighbor's house and hid for an afternoon.
This can make Liu Ke's parents anxious, looking everywhere can not find, almost called the police. In the evening, Liu Ke finally went home and was mentally prepared to be punished. As a result, her parents hugged her tightly at once, laughing and kissing, and the pain was terrible, and she never mentioned that she violated the rules again.
Liu Ke was flattered and formed a wrong perception: I thought I was going to be beaten, but after hiding for an afternoon, my parents not only did not beat themselves, but also treated me so well, it seems that escaping is also a good thing!
Later, she was easy to escape when she encountered things, and she was unwilling to face them.
Like the girl in the above news, if her parents do not talk to her in depth, do not understand and solve the fundamental problems, then the problem of slow homework will inevitably exist, and the fierce contradictions between parents and children will also occur.
Therefore, parents must also do the following fourth step:
After the child eases up, parents choose when the child's mood is better, and use the three-step song of benign communication "empathy, listening, and positive guidance" to find and solve deep-seated psychological problems.
Taking the above news incident as an example, after the girl slows down, her parents, especially her father, must take the initiative to talk to her daughter, understand her feelings when arguing with her parents and running away from home, and then sincerely apologize to her, she writes homework slowly, parents should not yell at her, scold her, and must be corrected in the future.
Then go deeper, why is the child slow to write homework? Mainly objective reasons (too much homework, too difficult, noisy home makes it difficult to concentrate, start writing homework too late, etc.), or because the child itself is difficult to concentrate, the efficiency of writing homework is relatively low?
If it is mainly the latter reason, it means that the girl has obvious learning disabilities, and homework procrastination is a typical performance. It's not that she has a bad subjective attitude and deliberate procrastination, but that she can't improve her efficiency.
Also, as mentioned above, although this girl is slow to write homework, she is not a latecomer, but a good student with good grades. And even if it is late, she will desperately complete her homework and attach great importance to learning.
Based on our experience with clinical psychological interventions, it is likely that this girl will not only have learning disabilities, but also signs of depression, especially what the public calls "smiling depression".
Because although this girl has good grades, she has studied very hard, and she is very concerned about the evaluation of the outside world, afraid that she will be criticized by teachers and ridiculed by classmates if she does not complete her homework. At the same time, good grades are likely to be her only source of confidence, and if her grades decline, she may feel that she is useless, so she will exert more self-pressure and force herself to work hard to complete her homework.
Her psychological pressure is very large, very anxious, and her learning efficiency further declines, falling into a vicious circle. But her parents did not understand her, and may have caused other superimposed psychological trauma to her before, and she did not want to open her heart to her parents.
The child's stress is constantly accumulating, lacking an outlet for release, like a pressure cooker, and the slightest stimulation can make her explode at any time.
So her father yelled at her a few words, and she ran away from home; if she encountered a major exam dysfunction, or was criticized by the teacher in public, she might even be extremely self-denying, mentally broken, and even wanted to commit suicide!
Also, there may be a hidden danger in the girl's current situation. It can be seen that her parent-child relationship with her father is not good, the pressure is high and there is nowhere to solve, and may even lack friends who can talk and talk, and has always been very lonely.
If there are boys who are good to her and show kindness to her, she is likely to fall into it, appear in the so-called "early love", and lack of reason in love, and is easy to be hurt by scumbags.
Of course, if not only her father, but also other male classmates and teachers have caused superimposed psychological trauma to her, then she may also reject and resist men, laying the hidden danger of unmarriedism or secondary homosexuality.
In short, the child runs away from home, which means that there are already serious problems behind it, and the child's growth road has been covered with "thunder", and parents must attach great importance to and understand deeply.
I hope that the parents of girls in the news can recognize the above level, deeply self-reflect, change and improve, and improve family relations and parent-child relationships.
At this time, they should no longer put pressure on their daughter's learning, but should reduce the pressure, but also guide their daughter to reduce pressure on themselves and learn to affirm themselves, rather than always relying on external evaluation. If there is a learning disability, it is also necessary to understand how the child's learning disability is formed, and how to alleviate or even solve it.
Parents also consciously cultivate their daughters to build a source of self-confidence in addition to learning. This does not mean that it is necessary to develop other strengths for children, in fact, parents should explore their children's advantages in daily life, give recognition, give more attention and high-quality companionship to children, and children will be more confident and more resistant to pressure.