Dad came back from outside and said vaguely: "Zhang Laosan ran out of the nursing home again, and in Jin Yu's house, help Jin Yu pick grass." As he spoke, Dad's harazi was like a spider pulling a thread, pulling down his mouth, and then falling on the front of his clothes, and flowing from the front to the ground.
I hurriedly pulled out a tissue, and my dad took it and wiped it on his mouth.
At this time, my mother asked me to turn her over, and while helping my mother turn over, I said: "The nursing home is really not good, I heard that scrambled seven or eight eggs and half a spoonful of salt can kill people." ”
Lying on the other side, my mother felt a little more comfortable, and she said weakly: "Every time Zhang Laosan runs out to help Jin Yu work, Jin Yu gives him twenty yuan, and he can go to the store to buy some snacks to eat." ”
I said, "Is Zhang Laosan a five-guarantee household?" ”
Dad said: "I have never been married in my life, I have no children and no daughters, I am a five-guarantee household, and there are several in our village, all of which are in nursing homes." ”
Looking at my bedridden mother and my father, who couldn't walk or talk, I couldn't help but sigh: "It's really hard for people to get old, whether they have children or not, they are all suffering." ”
While he was talking, the little brother and sister shouted in the kitchen, "Dad, it's time to eat." ”
Dad went to the dining room, and there was a chair with an apron hanging from the back, and that was his seat.
He slowly put on his apron and sat down at the table. At this moment, on the table in front of him, a large bowl of two-rice porridge, as well as a salted duck egg and a bowl of vegetable tofu were already served.
This is Dad's lunch.
Since Dad had a cerebral infarction, his tongue is not good, and it is difficult to chew, in his words: "The tongue can't be turned over", so he eats porridge three times a day, a salted duck egg several times, vegetable tofu does not need to chew too much, it is easier to eat, and it has become his favorite.
Dad eats very slowly, while eating, the rice residue and drooling are still falling in his mouth, and on the apron on his chest, the rice is stained with water, forming large and small circles, just like a map, he draws it every day, and he can't wash it off.
Because of the illness, Dad's laughter and tears are very low, and anyone's words will make him cry inexplicably, and he will laugh inexplicably.
The younger brother and sister took a small half bowl of rice porridge and half a bowl of vegetable tofu without salt, and went to the bedside to feed their mother. Mom is afraid of coughing and doesn't eat dishes with salt. Every time the younger brother and sister cook, they have to serve half a bowl for her before putting salt.
After a few bites of the tasteless meal, my mother shook her head and stopped eating.
Mom is terminally ill of cancer and has been bedridden for half a year, with no sensation in her lower body and inability to urinate and urinate independently, all of which have to be assisted by artificial instruments.
She has sensations in her upper body, but she is extremely painful, and she has to take painkillers every day to maintain it.
Because of the discomfort, she always wanted to turn over, and in the first few months, she could still hold on for one to two hours when she turned over once. Now, you have to turn over once in ten or eight minutes, so that you can't leave people around you for a moment.
Every time I turn over, it is a painful torture for my mother. Moreover, this torture is becoming more and more frequent. Mom said, it's really better to live than to die.
An hour passed, and Dad's meal was finally finished.
He slowly took off his apron, got up and went to the door to put on his shoes. He's going to go out for a walk, get used to it.
Dad has high blood pressure, often forgets to take medicine, and has fallen outside several times. It's not okay not to let him out, he can't stay at home at all, and there are no idlers at home to accompany him. In order to make it easier to contact, the younger brother bought a card and hung it around his father's neck, with the younger brother's phone number written on the card.
Dad had just put on a shoe, and the old man in his room rang, and it was my aunt calling.
I hurriedly helped my dad take off his shoes, and my dad walked into his room, and my mom was talking to my aunt.
The eldest aunt is eighty-nine and has been paralyzed for more than ten years, and her uncle is three years older than her, born in the military, and has very good physical fitness. In the past, he took care of his aunt single-handedly. Last year, when I pushed my aunt back from outside and carried her out of a wheelchair to the bed, the two of them accidentally fell at the same time, and his waist broke. After hospitalization, although he walked without major problems, he was obviously unable to take care of his aunt.
The eldest aunt has a daughter and two sons, the daughter is not in the same city as them, and the younger son is very busy with work and has no time, just right, the eldest son has just retired, so the responsibility of taking care of them is handed over to the eldest son.
Dad couldn't speak clearly, every time my aunt called, my mother answered, and my dad listened by the side.
The aunt asked about the physical condition of her father and mother, and then told her and her uncle's physical condition, and then said: "Your second sister is not very good, we are very homesick, we miss you and Wanlin (my father's name), I don't know if we can see each other again before we die?" ”
The "second sister" that the eldest aunt said is the second aunt, the second aunt is in another city, and she has been paralyzed for many years, and her son is taking care of her son at her son's house.
My grandmother gave birth to a total of five children, the eldest uncle died young, and the second uncle died of illness five years ago. Now, it's just my dad and my two aunts, and they're all on their separate sides.
In the past, the eldest and second aunts could come back once a year, and sometimes, my father would go to see them. They have hardly seen each other since their respective physical problems. Although the transportation is convenient now, their bodies can't stop the fatigue of driving at all.
Dad cried again, the aunt on the other end of the phone, her voice was also a little choked, Mom's hand holding the phone trembled slightly, and she couldn't hold it anymore, I took the phone from Mom's hand and put it in her ear.
After sighing for a while, I was tired, and my aunt hung up the phone.
Helped Mom turn over, Mom fell asleep in a daze, Dad didn't go out again, but sat there in a daze, not knowing what he was thinking.
I walked out of my parents' house, sat on the balcony, looked at a white cloud in the sky, and Zhang Laosan appeared in my mind, in order to eat a bite, in Jinyu's house. There are also those elderly people in the nursing home, several people gather around a plate of eggs and eat it as a pickle.
The eldest aunt and the second aunt appeared in my mind again, what a beautiful time I was young, and now I am paralyzed in bed, I can't go where I want to go, I can't see the people I meet, I look at the ceiling every day, from morning to night, year after year, day after day, until the end of my life.
There are also parents, my mother has to be strong for a lifetime, and in the end, I can't even take care of myself, how can I talk about dignity? Although Dad can still walk and do his own things, what is the quality of life?
So, I thought, if I grow old like this, I'd rather not live to be old.
Of course, birth, old age, sickness and death are natural laws, and no one is an exception. But if getting old means losing vitality, health, and dignity, what's the point of living to be old?
Some people say that it is better to die than to live, and I disagree. Lying in bed every day, suffering from illness, not eating and sleeping well, and dragging down children, is it better to live like this than to die?
In short, I don't want to spend my old age in the torment of illness, nor do I want to wait for the end of my life in loneliness.
If it weren't possible, I'd rather not live to be old.