"I like him so much, that's why I'm so humble."
In her dealings with her boyfriend, she has always played the role of a pleaser.
She not only provides living expenses for her boyfriend, but also pays off gambling debts for the other party. Even if she was abused and PUA, she still chose to forgive and connive, and even changed herself in order to cater to her boyfriend's preferences.
This overly flattering behavior caused her to lose her life in the end.
In fact, it is not uncommon for people like her to have a people-pleasing personality in life.
They always unconsciously ingratiate themselves with others, putting the needs of others first, even at the expense of their own interests.
Can flattery really earn others their love and respect?
How is the people-pleasing personality formed?
The reasons for the formation of a people-pleasing personality are complex, and usually include family education, upbringing, and socio-cultural factors.
From a family perspective, the people-pleasing personality often stems from the parenting style of the family of origin.
Some parents are too strict with their children, or often quarrel and neglect to care, so that children learn to suppress their needs and feelings from an early age and please their parents in a flattering way. This pattern solidifies as we age and carries over into relationships in adulthood.
Traumatic experiences growing up may also lead to a people-pleasing personality. For example, being bullied or isolated at school or in social situations may lead to self-denial and low self-esteem. In order to gain acceptance and approval from others, they have to resort to pleasing strategies to protect themselves.
The social and cultural admiration of qualities such as "kindness" and "selflessness" may also lead individuals to closely bind these qualities to their own values, and then show excessive flattering behaviors in interpersonal interactions.
What are the characteristics of a people-pleasing personality?
The core characteristic of the people-pleasing personality is that it is overly focused on the needs of others and ignores its own feelings. The specific performance is as follows:
1. Lack of a sense of boundaries: It is often difficult for the pleaser to clarify his own needs and boundaries, and he is prone to compromise in the face of other people's demands.
2. Sensitive: The pleaser is extremely sensitive to the emotions and attitudes of others, and often worries that his actions will cause dissatisfaction or disgust from others.
3. Seek recognition: The pleaser craves affirmation and appreciation from others as a measure of self-worth.
4. Ignoring real needs: In order to cater to others, the pleaser may hide or suppress their true needs and feelings, or even act against their hearts.
5. Fear of conflict: People-pleasers are often afraid of conflict with others, so they will try to avoid expressing disagreement or rejecting other people's requests.
How to get rid of the people-pleasing personality?
Face and accept your needs and feelings. Realize that you don't have to rely on the evaluation of others to define your self-worth.
Establish a healthy sense of boundaries. Learn to defend yourself in interpersonal interactions, and be clear about what is acceptable and what is not.
Try to express your true self. Be brave enough to speak up your thoughts and feelings, and stop pandering or pleasing others.
Seek professional help. If the act of pleasing has seriously affected daily life and mental health, you can consult a psychologist or psychological counselor for professional psychotherapy and counseling.
Of course, it takes patience and time to get rid of the people-pleasing personality, but if we are willing to put in the effort, we can gradually regain that authentic, independent, and confident self.
Remember, true happiness and respect are never bought for flattery. You deserve to be loved and you deserve to be respected. Don't let your love become a knife that hurts you!
