A recent hot search has struck a chord with many people.
A blogger who is studying for a doctorate posted a complaint: "I'm almost 30 years old, and my mother is still controlling my life. ”
The blogger's mom always blames her for her way of educating her when she is educating her children. The blogger occasionally buys some small items she likes, and her mother says that she spends money indiscriminately and will not live. Every time she came back from her mother-in-law's house, her mother would "carefully interrogate" her, and then point out what she said and what she did wrong. But in the eyes of the blogger, the mother-in-law is a very good person to get along with, and there are not so many twists and turns.
In fact, parents often do it for the good of their children, and the relationship between parents and children is never hostile. But if "love is too much", it is easy to let family affection become a kind of bondage and push each other farther and farther away.
Parents who are overly involved in their children's lives are like a helicopter hovering over their children's heads, closely monitoring, intervening at any time, and even making decisions for them, so they are also vividly called "helicopter parents".
The first trap
The ubiquitous desire to control
An educator once said, "If parents want to cultivate a healthy personality in their children, they must create a relaxed and harmonious family." ”
Given the right space, children will be able to forge a sound mind in a free state.
Song Qian, the mother in the TV series "Little Huanxi", not only formulated a careful study plan for her daughter Yingzi, but also strictly controlled her every move after studying, hoping that Yingzi could grow up perfectly according to her own plan, and even changed her college entrance examination intention without permission. Yingzi was so desperate that she committed suicide.
You must know that the child, as an independent individual, should not be the object of random shaping by parents.
Excessive intervention and deprivation of liberty will only inhibit their true inner needs, and eventually lead to emotional repression, rebellion, and even more serious psychological problems.
As a parent, you should let your love be a haven for your children, not a confinement. Respecting their individuality and needs, learning to let go, and letting them bloom at their own pace and in their own way, can help children move towards a bright future.
The second trap
Take care of your child's life
I often see some parents' complaints on the Internet:
"My son lives in school and goes home once a week, and every time he goes home, before anyone enters the house, a bag with a big bag of dirty clothes is thrown in."
"My child has studied abroad, and the food in the canteen is not appetizing, because of the time difference, I have to video with her at four or five o'clock in the morning every day, and teach her how to make noodles and stir-fry dishes."
In the eyes of many parents, the lack of independence seems to be less important than academic performance. Even mistakenly regards excessive doting on children as a manifestation of love.
As everyone knows, this kind of overstepping the burden will only lead to the waste of children in the end.
watched a psychological interview show, and the protagonist Xiao Su vividly showed the typical characteristics of the "gnawing old" family. He is rightly dependent on his parents, and he has no guilt. And behind all this, Su Mu's connivance undoubtedly played a role in fueling the trouble.
Xiao Su relied on Su's mother's financial support at key moments in her life: finding a job, getting married, buying a house, decorating, ......
In the end, Su's mother's pension money was exhausted by Xiao Su.
His parents' unconditional satisfaction and doting on Xiao Su made him inevitably fall into omnipotent narcissism, taking it for granted that he was the center of the whole world, and his personality was willful and irritable.
In the end, Xiao Su not only had no gratitude for his parents' dedication, but also had no pursuit and goal in his work, causing his wife to leave and he was in prison. Su's father had to find the program team and seek help from a psychiatrist.
Sometimes parents try their best to make their children's lives easier, but in the end, they hurt others and themselves.
In essence, a child's growth is a process of trial and error, in which parents can participate, but can never be replaced.
Only by leaving the field in time can the child learn to walk upright, and in the repeated experience, the education can play its due effect.
The third trap
Lack of trusting communication
As they grow up, many children no longer share their true feelings with their parents as unreservedly as they used to, and they are no longer willing to listen to their parents' opinions.
But I have to admit that trust is the cornerstone of parent-child communication. What do parents need to do to get into their children's hearts?
Meng Yunqing in the TV series "Fireworks People" provides us with an exemplary sample. Whether it's what her daughter Tao Shuna wants to study when she is a child, or when she faces a major academic choice as an adult, she always encourages her daughter to follow her heart.
This kind of unconditional trust and affirmation also reaps the same love and dependence of children. When her daughter encounters problems and confusions, she shares them with her mother as soon as possible.
Tao Shuna has a crush on her senior, and she encourages her daughter to confess bravely. After thousands of hardships, her daughter finally successfully held hands with her senior, and Meng Yunqing was also sincerely happy and blessed.
As Li Xiaomeng said in the book "Hello, Child": "Trust is the core of education, and we should believe in the ability of each individual to solve their own problems." ”
With an education supported by a sense of trust, even if a child falls into the quagmire, he can rely on that light to get up bravely. This is a two-way journey between parents and children.
At last
Parents can do this
It is undeniable that parents' words and deeds have a profound and crucial impact on their children's development, shaping their initial worldview.
Therefore, in order to truly reach the child's heart, we must do the following:
1. Listen to empathy and respect
Zheng Yuanjie, the king of fairy tales, has always adhered to the parenting concept of becoming friends with children. When his son was young, he set aside two hours every weekend night to listen to him share his thoughts and moments of the week.
When her son shares happy stories, Zheng Yuanjie will laugh with him; When the son tells the story of something unpleasant, he will show his understanding of the child's experience and provide helpful advice.
Research shows that parents are good at listening and have a great impact on their children's development. Effective empathy makes them feel valued and understood.
Parents are willing to lean down and pour out love, and children will shine.
2. Willingness to let go is the best support for love
Yang Lan once said on the show: "The greatest success of being a parent is to let your child leave you successfully." Learning to let go and let him go to his own world is the only way to achieve his own life. ”
Letting go is not about letting go, but about making them aware that they will not get the expected response for being vexatious, so that they can learn to deal with problems independently and actively seek communication with their parents.
And a really good education is love and rules in parallel, give them complete love, the right example, in order to better win at the starting line.
3. The power of belief and recognition is far greater than we think
Winter Olympic champion Gu Ailing's success is due to talent, but the encouragement and support of her mother and grandmother are the key to her success.
My mother and grandmother were very fond of saying "we are the best". When the piano was only in grade 3, they said that she played as well as grade 10; When she finished second in the run, they would still say to her, "In my eyes, you will always be number one." ”
For children, the trust of parents is a door to the heart, and when personal values and emotions are affirmed, they will be more willing to open their hearts, and the emotional bond of intimacy will be stronger.
4. Love your children, love yourself first
Parents are their children's first teachers and lifelong role models, and their words and actions have a profound impact on their children. However, many parents tend to focus too much on their children on the road of parenting, but neglect to nourish their own inside.
But true love is not only giving, but also self-shaping, which is also a lifelong lesson for parents. Adhering to long-termism, investing in the brain and moistening the soul can affect children's behavior and destiny in a more positive and calm state.
Education is a long journey.
We must learn to get rid of the shackles of symbiosis and know how to "do what we can".
About the author: Tangtang, feel with your heart, express with love, and let words become a bridge for our spiritual communication.