Being betrayed is a painful blow to most people, and their peaceful life and stable psychological order are crumbling because of their partner's behavior, and the other party seems to be completely unaffected by it, but lives happily with a third party, which makes anyone feel aggrieved and angry.
As a result, more and more hatred breeds in the hearts of the betrayed, wanting to take revenge on the other party, and the desire to make the other party condemned by everyone is greater than everything else.
However, there is still a distance between wanting to retaliate and making revenge, although revenge is very cool, but many people will worry that publicizing the other party's betrayal will have a negative impact on their children and parents, and they can't swallow this breath in their hearts without revenge, so they continue to suffer from internal friction.
Faced with this situation, how to choose?
In fact, for a person who is already broken, revenge is like a boomerang, and it is himself who stabs in the end.
For people who want to take revenge on their partner after being betrayed, you should see the real need behind revenge and make a truly effective effort to achieve it than the cool feeling of the moment when you pursue evil retribution.
The betrayed person made the betrayer's behavior public, so that his character completely collapsed, fell into the condemnation and condemnation of relatives and friends, and even turned around and begged the betrayed person to express his remorse and mistakes.
It is precisely because of the thought of revenge that the scene imagined in everyone's mind is so happy and resentful, so not retaliating has become a kind of self-suppression, as if he has blocked the malice of the whole world for the betrayer in vain, not to mention that the betrayed person has to devour the grievances and anguish in his heart alone day after day, making a wedding dress for a person who hurts himself, and anyone will feel that they can't swallow this breath.
People who want revenge almost always preset two completely different directions and endings for revenge and non-revenge in advance, so in their hearts, revenge is a cool script, and no revenge is a bitter script; Revenge means the expression of emotions, and non-revenge means continuous suppression of emotions; Revenge means that justice is upheld, and not retaliation allows the villain to escape......
But the question is, will reality really unfold so simply and crudely? Obviously, not necessarily.
When looking at revenge or not, many people habitually amplify the emotional refreshment brought by revenge, while ignoring the series of endings it will trigger; And when looking at non-revenge, it always magnifies the inner self-pity, and ignores the long-term value of personal growth. The desire to take revenge will naturally occupy the brain and make you uneasy.
For most people, revenge brings not only the feeling of temporarily occupying the moral high ground, but also the handling of a series of complex disputes, as well as the emptiness of losing the target of attack.
Do you think that when you take the moral high ground, other people will be like the NPCs in the revenge article, completely according to your inner script? Don't be too naïve, the reason why Shuangwen is popular is because the real world is too lacking in coolness.
This is because the support and understanding between people should not only refer to the right and wrong of the truth, but also refer to the proximity and distance of the position. And most of the time, when facing emotional disputes, everyone often refers more to the position rather than right and wrong, so there is a saying that it is difficult for a clean official to decide family affairs.
In real life, few people simply raise their arms for justice and morality, but most of them will take the initiative to come forward for the sake of family and friends being bullied.
If your partner is able to persuade you to continue the divorce and not leave home at the beginning of the cheating exposure, and at the same time help her hide the truth about the cheating, it is enough to show that her ability to "get support and understanding" is far better than yours. Since you will be moved by her "difficulties" at that time, after you disclose the truth, others will naturally have the probability of being moved by her other versions of difficulties.
You may think that my speculation is too dark, but life is like this, many things are torn to the end, and the truth and truth are often the least important.
No one will empathize with you in the real sense, and everyone looks at a matter more from their own position and preferences, so it is really not so easy to get the continuous understanding and support of those around you through "open evidence".
You may find that the parents of the cheating partner will gradually become ambiguous after they confirm that you are divorced. Even if they won't beat you up for their children, at least they will complain about why you didn't say it earlier, what can they do now that they are divorced? A little longer, you may wonder if there is something wrong with you that will force their children to cheat.
You may also find that even your own parents may not be able to fully understand and support you, and they may persuade you to forget and think about it for reasons such as the growth of your child, your own face, etc. Or just beating their chests and hurrying, not only will it affect their health and mood, but it will not give you any real help, and in the end, you will have to comfort them and relax their hearts.
Since revenge on a cheating partner is highly likely to be thankless, why do many people still cling to the reverie of revenge?
The reason is simple, what you can't do for yourself, you will expect to have someone else do it for you through revenge.
You can't get out of the pain of being betrayed by your partner, so you hope to take revenge on your partner, thinking that maybe when you make the evidence of her cheating public, other people's verbal criticism of her may help you get out of the pain of betrayal;
You can't express your anger directly to your cheating partner, so you hope to retaliate against your partner, thinking that maybe when you make her cheating evidence public, others will scold her for you, count her down, express your anger that you can't express, and get justice for you;
You can't face the temptation that your partner seems to have for you, and you can't face your desire to still have expectations and fantasies about your partner, so you hope to get revenge on your partner, thinking that maybe when you make the evidence of her cheating public, when you ruin her most important reputation, you can force yourself to die for her.
Do you really want revenge on the cheating partner itself? Unbeknownst to me, in the cheating cases I have encountered, the strong urge for revenge often hides a stronger motivation to expect your partner to look at you.
Look at me, the wounds you have done me are almost impossible for me to heal;
Look at me, the anger I never spoke still tormented me;
Look at me, why didn't you love me before I decided to give up?
If you can't look at me anymore because of love, even if you can't ignore me because of hate, that's good.
In the final analysis, "whether the evidence of cheating can be made public" is actually just a neutral choice, if the purpose of doing this is because you want to vent evil for yourself, it is understandable, and the most feared thing is that you want to achieve some kind of purpose that can only be "led by her" through this behavior.
So for most people, what they face is not a question of revenge, but a question of how to resolve the pain of betrayal.
Revenge is essentially an idealized expectation that the betrayed person wants to use the hands of others to eliminate his own pain, and if you want to completely get out of the betrayal, let your hurt be seen, and let the anger in your heart be calmed, the most important thing you need to do is to face your true self with an attitude of acceptance rather than confrontation.
Why should our own anger, pain, and expectations be fulfilled indirectly by others? This is because you don't want to admit and accept these emotions of yourself, you have set up an "idealized template" for yourself, and feel that the person who is rational and stable enough after being betrayed and does not have any nostalgia is the person you want to be, and whether it is completely knocked down by betrayal, living under the blow of pain and loss every day, or being dominated by anger and wanting to seek justice from the other party, this is actually the part that you want to desperately suppress and resist, and the part that is not recognized and encouraged by your experience and cognition.
And why do you have emotions that are antagonistic to your true reactions and feelings? This is because you have put the final interpretation of an event of betrayal in the hands of someone else. In other words, you care more about what your partner, your family, or the whole social environment thinks of you than your own needs and inner feelings, and you don't dare to express anger because you are afraid that your partner will think you are narrow-minded and will develop feelings of disgust towards you. You don't dare to formalize your expectations of the betrayer because you are afraid of being seen as an irrational and emotional person. You don't allow yourself to show your pain, because you feel it's cowardly, it's immature.
Revenge itself is a vicarious gratification strategy that you choose after refusing to accept your true self, and whether or not it achieves the ultimate goal, your heart is always in a state of contradiction. The key to getting out of the pain of betrayal is to take back the right of interpretation that has been assigned to others, and to do our best to eliminate the inner self-contradiction in order to achieve self-identity.
In fact, a lot of human suffering does not come from the event itself, but from the ambivalence caused by the separation of self-perception and experience. So the first step out of betrayal is to acknowledge and accept these true emotions that you have generated, because only by acknowledging the existence of this part of the situation, can you reconstruct them with new experiences, so that they can be combined with new experiences to stay with you. Resistance and avoidance will keep this fractured experience in you, and even if you try to ignore it, it will be reactivated again and again when you encounter similar events, until you have to face your true self that has been suppressed for a long time.
So in the end, you will find that instead of using revenge to escape from your true self, facing all your emotions with an inclusive attitude can help you get rid of the pain of betrayal faster. Whether it's using new perceptions to eliminate the sense of conflict with objective reality, or accepting your vulnerability and building a stronger support system for yourself, these are all effective measures that more directly address your inner pain.
When you stop tossing and turning for betrayal, revenge is not so attractive to you.
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This article was first published on the Zhihu platform: Chen Man, Wang Xiao, Zhang Yan
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