About the author: Luo Xiaoyu, likes to read books, watch dramas, look at the world from another perspective, pay attention to me, and grow knowledge together!
I watched the movie "Everything About My Wife" a long time ago, I think my wife is too clingy, there is no space for my husband, of course, the later husband is also too much, and I recently re-watched this movie, I have to think, what is the reason for the two people's lives to be a mess?
The wife and husband in the play have been married for 7 years, and gradually become an old husband and wife, the life of the two people has no boundaries, as if they are one person, the most exaggerated thing is that when the husband goes to the toilet, the wife stands next to him and asks him to drink a cup of juice, such a life makes the husband unbearable, and finally the marriage of the two people goes to a road of no return.
This kind of thing is also common in daily life: in interpersonal relationships, the closer people are, the easier it is to lose their measure, such as parents casually flipping through their children's diaries; couples casually looking at each other's mobile phones; relatives arbitrarily managing other people's affairs, urging marriage and childbearing... Behavior without a sense of boundaries always hurts others and hurts themselves, and it is easier to make others feel uncomfortable and panic.
Everyone has their own boundaries of life, and if that line is blurred, we will largely lose our independent living space, and an adult without an independent space is pathetic, because he will always live in fear of being invaded by others at any time.
People who are clear about their sense of boundaries have a natural sense of security. As an adult, knowing where your boundaries are, there will be a relatively private and independent space, you can do whatever you want, without worrying about someone suddenly breaking in.
Everything about the hero's wife in "Everything About My Wife" is him. Their husband and wife's life has no boundaries, like one person, one is constantly approaching, one is constantly retreating, and it is obvious that this relationship will not last long. Of course, this is definitely not one person's fault, it must be caused by the blurring of the boundaries of both people.
I remember when I was in junior high school, writing homework in my own house, my parents would always suddenly appear behind me, supervising whether I was writing, at this time I didn't feel anything wrong, nothing more than feeling the same as when I was studying in school, my parents were like a class teacher, and at that time, because I didn't have the ability to live independently, I didn't have the right to choose, so I didn't have the idea of resistance.
But as we get older, we grow up. Usually, the number of times to go home is limited, but this epidemic has made us live at home for a long time, and we may lock our doors so that we will be more comfortable.
But often this will make parents wonder and even blame you, but once you don't lock the door, you will always be in a state of tension, and some parents will not knock on the door. Once when I was at work, I was frightened by my parents, because a person suddenly appeared next to me, staring at my computer, and for a moment I felt that my soul was almost out of my mind.
This is not an isolated problem, we can see that many friends have the same troubles, it is difficult for us and our parents to have their own living space, which makes us in tension all the time.
I have a friend who shares a room with other people, it's a two-bedroom room, she lives in one room, and another girl lives in a room. Before has been safe, recently affected by the epidemic, two people have not gone to work, isolated at home, more time to get along, my friend is used to lock their own door, but since the relationship with this girl has become better, this girl often comes to her, and she also said that why do the two of us still lock the door?
She didn't feel good either, so she stopped locking the door, but that's when the nightmare began. The girl knocked on the door at first, heard let in after entering, gradually knocked on the door directly into, and then did not knock directly into, my friend almost went crazy for this, most of the night to complain to me.
In fact, whether it is what happened to my friend or what I experienced, it shows a problem, we think that we can be more intimate form, but it does not have a real effect, but also hurt ourselves. To put it more cheesy, we are afraid that if we don't do this, we will hurt each other, but in fact, this is a blur of the boundaries of our own lives.
So what is a sense of boundaries? If you want to live a good life in this world, everyone needs physical space and psychological space, that is, personal space. The boundary between personal space and the outside world is the boundary. This boundary is the division between oneself and others, and people with boundaries will refuse, will retreat, and will know how to respect others.
Dalev said: The root cause of all human suffering stems from the lack of a sense of boundaries. Many feelings clash because of the blurring of the sense of boundaries.
Even the closest people must have their own private space, including yourself.
I saw a question on Zhihu: Do you lock the door when you go to the toilet? A lot of the answer is that couples generally brush their teeth and go to the toilet, won't lock the door, is this really good?
After I was scared by my parents when I didn't lock the door at home, I wanted to talk to them, and my parents asked me: What door do you lock in the daytime, do you want to work hard or are you afraid that we will see it? Let's see what's wrong? I said at least you knocked on the door, and they actually said: Why knock on the door, doesn't knocking on the door disturb you? Well, it's all my fault.
Unclear sense of boundaries is easy to manifest in two aspects: on the one hand, it is easy to know what a sense of boundaries is, it is easy to turn your enthusiasm into a violation, but you still ask what happened? On the other hand, you don't know what a sense of boundaries is, and you can't guard your own boundaries. This will cause the other party to invade your life in the name of love and affection, so that you endure again and again, and finally endure it, and finally leave a reputation of not knowing what to do.
This behavior is mainly manifested in the following two types:
1) Control: Want the other person to act according to their wishes.
In "Everything About My Wife", the wife is a person without a sense of boundaries, and she can chase after her husband when he goes to the toilet, forcing him to drink one cup after another of juice that she thinks is nutritious, and too much control desire causes her husband to stay away from her more and more.
In life, I don't want you to feel, I want me to feel that it's for your own good, this kind of day is really scary! The wife's behavior is a manifestation of blurred boundaries, husband and wife life, each other must also have a certain space.
This situation also exists between parents and children, especially when the child is still young, parents have a strong desire to control the child, if you do not obey, I will do what, let the child listen to their own words.
2) Interference: Excessive interference in the lives of others
I have a friend who makes tea and complained to me, she said that she always invites other people to drink tea, but the person who comes in and is often invited does not come to drink tea, she is too confused, ask is not enthusiastic enough? I said do you let him come every day, every day on the point to find him, she said yes, I said this is your problem, every day tea drinking tea is your habit, not people's, you let people come every day, you have violated people's lives, this is caused by no sense of boundaries.
People without a sense of boundaries also have Lu Xun's Xianglin sister-in-law. When I was young, I only felt that the fate of Xianglin Sister-in-law was too miserable, but now when I read it again, I feel that what caused Xianglin Sister-in-law's tragedy was her sense of no boundaries. The last thing she was hated, hated, was because she didn't find her own boundaries, didn't see the disgust of others.
In the life of Xiang Lin's sister-in-law, there is the deepest coolness in society and human nature. If Xiang Lin wants to live soberly, independently, and with dignity in this world, she must have a sense of boundaries. If she had learned to be careful in her words and deeds, not to complain so much, not to transgress, maybe her end would be a different situation.
The German philosopher Schopenhauer spoke of a parable: the hedgehog's dilemma. The story goes of a cold winter when a group of hedgehogs huddled together to keep warm to each other, but the thorns on their bodies forced them to separate at once; but it was too cold, and they gathered together again, and the pain made them separate again.
Repeating this several times, they finally find the optimal distance, getting the most warmth with minimal pain. The psychological boundary is the thorn on the hedgehog. It protects us from the outside world and keeps us from hurting others.
The purpose of maintaining a sense of boundaries is definitely not to block the relationship with parents, friends, and lovers, but to get along with them better.
In Chinese society and culture, interpersonal estrangement is much more important than borders. A lot of people think that if the relationship is really intimate enough, it's okay not to pay attention to boundaries. But I would say that no matter how intimate the relationship is, there is an important premise that must be respected: everyone is an independent individual.
Worry less about other people's things, do your own thing, take a good measure, both make yourself comfortable, but also make others comfortable. Here are 3 tips to help you discern your sense of boundaries:
1) Recognize your own boundaries and distinguish between what is your own affair and what is the other party's business
I was quite touched by the plot of the quarrel between Haiqing and his wife in the TV series "An Jia", which seems to be the epitome of many marital problems. As a husband and wife in the new era, Gong Beibei and her husband are intellectuals with decent jobs. Gong Bei Bei is an obstetrician and gynecologist, and both her husband are doctors. But the reality is that they have been working hard in Shanghai for many years, and they only have a 60-square-meter old house, and several families are crowded together.
In order to make money, she made a lot of efforts, going up to the kitchen, holding several jobs in the family, taking care of the children while working, although she was not a full-time wife... But this did not make her life easier, but made her husband feel that her efforts were deserved.
This is a manifestation of a sense of no boundary, Gong Beibei and her husband have no sense of boundary, and her husband has no sense of boundary, so he does not know how to understand, blindly let his wife pay. Gong Bei Bei also has no sense of boundaries, the home is taken care of by two people, and she has not received pity for herself.
2) Don't violate the boundaries of others, and leave room for those who are close to you
The absence of a sense of border is a major source of family conflict in most of China.
In the variety show "My Family's That Kid", the actor Zhu Yuchen's mother talked about her son, saying that Zhu Yuchen must have her consent to do everything, but his son is 39 years old, not 9 years old! But as a mother, she still does not trust her son.
She didn't allow him to eat takeout, and wherever Zhu Yuchen went to shoot a scene, her mother would cook for him. Every time he has a relationship, his mother will interfere, and even the girlfriend's standard must follow her mother's ideas.
As a parent, Zhu Yuchen's mother has been intoxicated in the self-moving efforts, always standing in her own perspective for the sake of the child, imposing her own ideas on the child, because there are many such mothers, only to cultivate one giant baby after another.
For your own good, I love you, we often use these words to kidnap and control each other, in fact, the real love is to know how to respect, let you be yourself, rather than kidnapping you in the name of being good.
3) Remind in time and clearly express your unhappiness
I think this is the most important, only by making the other party clear where your boundaries are, then you and them will be comfortable.
After my mother came in and scared me, I finally decided to have a good talk with them, and I said that I would lock the door in the future, and if you went in, you could knock on the door, you could also call me, but don't suddenly enter, I would really be scared. At that time, my mother was full of unhappiness and said: Who wants to enter your house! But since then I have not been bothered by this matter, and the family relationship has not become rigid, but it will be comfortable afterwards.
In the movie "Everything About My Wife", if the husband recognizes his boundaries, talks to his wife well, and wants more space for himself. I think the relationship between these two people will not eventually develop to the point of irreparability, the wife's excessive interference is not right, the husband is not clear about his boundaries, and there is no good communication, which is the root of the problem.
In the process of solving this problem, there will certainly be contradictions, not understanding, like the thorns on the hedgehog, but only by drawing this line can this thorn no longer hurt each other. Maintaining a moderate distance is the way to get along in true harmony.
We often say: "Distance produces beauty", which means the sense of boundaries.
Of course, the sense of boundaries is definitely not to alienate others, not to reject others thousands of miles away, but to think for the sake of others and be responsible for yourself. How to do it, not what I want to feel, but what you think should be done.
The sense of boundaries is like the yellow line in line, not only respecting privacy, but also an indispensable distance for adults to communicate, leaving room for people to get along better.
A sense of boundaries means reason, respect, and not self-righteousness. In dealing with people, it is the greatest wisdom to take a good measure.
In the end, no matter what kind of relationship, always recognize your own boundaries, do not violate the boundaries of others, and firmly keep your boundaries from being violated by others. Respect each other, be considerate of each other, in order to have a comfortable relationship.