Children who are often yelled at are suffering from "verbal violence"
In Jianshu, I saw an author share his experience, saying that in the first 18 years of his life, he was often yelled at and scolded. But because he was used to it from an early age, his reaction over the years was often not to explain, not to speak. Roughly developed a kind of "do not take their words to heart" ability, trying not to care about their attitude towards themselves. In the process of his growth, including now, many times, he did not dare to put forward his own needs to them, always afraid of being rejected and rejected.
The famous educator Yin Jianli once said: In the face of children, the greatest civilization of adults is to stand in the child's perspective, strive to understand what he does, and guide his growth in a way that he is willing to accept. You must treat him as a "man" as an equal, not as a "weak man" to conquer.
Two. How the child feels when yelling at the child.
I have seen a picture book "The Mother Who Yells All The Life", which has won the gold medal in the children's picture book category of the Literary Award, the highest honor in the German literary world. Maybe after reading this picture book, mothers will have different ideas than before. The main story of the picture book is to tell us the extraordinary experience between him and his mother in the tone of a cute penguin child.
This picture book tells the story of a little penguin who is frightened and torn apart by its mother's roar, which is very, very heartfelt.
At the beginning of the story, baby penguin narrates this: This morning, my mother lost her temper and yelled angrily at me. As a result, I was so frightened that my whole body scattered and flew away! My head flew into the universe. My stomach fell into the sea. My wings fell into the tropical jungle. My mouth was stuck in the mountains. What about my tail? It's like a mystery on the street. I just had one pair of feet left, running, running, running.
I wanted to bark, but there was no mouth.
I wanted to look for it, but no eyes.
I wanted to fly, but I didn't have wings.
Running and running, running in the evening to the Sahara Desert, I was tired.
Then a large shadow enveloped me. It turned out that my mother, who was throwing a tantrum, had come in a big boat. She had retrieved the lost parts and re-sewed them together. Finally found my foot, this is all sewn up.
"I'm sorry!" My mother, who was throwing a tantrum, said to me. Then we sailed home.
Isn't the cute penguin child the embodiment of our cute child? When you yell at the child, the child is like a little penguin in a picture book, full of fear, the mind is blank, and the soul is frightened! I can't think about what the parents want her to do, at this time the parents will only think that I am so angry, how can this child still be like a wooden knot and do not know what to do? I don't know that children will really be scared "stupid"!
Children are like little penguins, and they want to run away when they see their bad-tempered, yelling mom and dad. But where can a small child escape? No one listens to the voices and needs of the heart; I want to find my own direction, but I am not experienced and wise enough.
When a mother finished reading this picture book, she asked the children around her, "Do you think the little penguin is happy in the end"? He said, "I'm happy, but he's still in pain, because it's sewn with a needle." ”
Don't look at the children's young age, in fact, in their soft hearts, they know everything.
Three. The consequences of yelling at children
1, children who are often yelled at are prone to wandering.
American psychologists have done such an experiment: the mothers yelled at a volume of more than 85 decibels, put it to 10 children aged 7 to 10 years old, and then asked them to write the content of the mother's roar, and only 13.3% of the children wrote correctly. Studies have shown that yelling is useless for disciplining children, and the louder the sound, the less attentive the child becomes. Children who are full of fear in their hearts are indeed prone to wandering, using imaginative wandering to escape the frightening real world
2, children who are often yelled at grow up are prone to gain and loss, and lose themselves.
The child's inner insecurity is insecure, and his parents often yell at him, which is not only easy to scare him, but also makes him feel that his parents do not love him and hate him. The child does not receive positive praise, does not feel the care and love from the parents, and slowly, he will become extremely withdrawn, timid and introverted, and his heart will be very sensitive. In adolescence, children enter a rebellious period, they will even do some extreme things, and the fear in our hearts will make us want to cling to someone or something, and it is easy to form a pathological interdependence relationship when we grow up, such as "sucking slag" physique.
Just like the little penguin in the picture book story, the little tail that grasps the balance of psychological happiness cannot be found, "it is like a mystery on the street" When it grows up, the child can easily lose himself.
3, children who are often yelled at are prone to silence and inferiority.
Parents often yell at their children, which will have a certain impact on their children's self-confidence. In the process of children's growth, when children face new environments and new things, they will definitely try, and the results of the attempts we cannot guarantee are correct. If in this process, he gets the parents' yelling rather than encouragement, then this will cause the child to slowly dare not try, which will have a certain impact on the child's future self-confidence formation. Children are always afraid of doing the wrong thing and being yelled at, so they simply don't say or don't do it, forming an inferiority complex. Just like the little penguin in the picture book, it feels like the mouth is on the mountain, which means that the child wants to shout but can't shout, and wants to express but can't express it wholeheartedly.
4, children who are often yelled at are prone to gluttony and fat.
People who are full of fear in their hearts are also prone to gluttony, and their stomachs are not full like the sea. When you grow up, you will also be more inferior because of obesity and poor communication.
Four. What should parents do?
As a parent, how to do not yell at the child, which requires parents to maintain enough patience, calmly deal with conflict, and gently understand the child's inner world. Every child is different, as parents we have to accept the imperfection and "otherness" of our children, and we must stand in an equal position with our children.
When the child is doing or doing "bear" things with you, please do not rush to vent your anger as parents, first divert your attention and emotions, we can first find an independent space to calm ourselves for five minutes, giving you and your child a buffer time band to transfer emotions. When we calm down a little and then deal with it, the results are very different.
Now many parents pay too much attention to their children's achievements, in the face of their children's strengths and weaknesses, parents should look at it rationally, let her grow freely, and do not break her wings. The potential of children is infinite, the level of grades is only the tip of the iceberg, and there are more potentials to be developed.
Fifth, how to remedy after yelling at the child!
First of all, parents should dare to admit their mistakes, to comfort the child, to tell your child that you are talking in the wrong way, not to yell at him, to tell the child at what moment you are emotionally excited, but you love him, promise to control yourself next time.
Second, guide the child to express emotions. Parents should admit their mistakes, and calmly chat with their children, tell him that saying their emotions is also a kind of communication, not to investigate who is right or wrong, everyone has their own reasons for doing things, if you have, we can talk.