Text/Lan's mother talks about parenting
While chatting with a friend over the weekend, he told me:
"The most direct and effective way to educate children from ancient times to the present is corporal punishment, just like the problem of eating, you give the child a meal time, eating place, you can't leave the table when eating, you can't go back to continue to eat when you leave, with such a rule, the child can not correct the problem of not eating well in three days, because the child's body memory is much higher than the brain memory"
Talking about this, I suddenly thought that before the final exam, in order to guide my daughter to do a good job of pre-exam review, I patiently persuaded her, hoping that she could take the final sprint stage seriously and strive to get a good score in the exam
As a result, my daughter not only didn't listen to a word, but instead pouted and glared at me impatiently
If she said something more, she would put her hands over her ears and pretend not to hear
After trying a lot of things and not being able to change the situation, I was disappointed, anxious, and crazy, until I did a little test with her that the bad relationship eased
That time, seeing my daughter who was about to get angry again, I changed the subject and said to her:
"Why don't we mock the test in advance to see how many points you can score, if you can score more than 90 points, we will go out to have a barbecue at night to celebrate, if the score is below 90, we will take out the list of mistakes and talk about it, so that the final exam is good, we can also go to a more nice place to celebrate"
In the end, when my daughter really practiced and simulated the test, she knew her true level and the arrogance on her body disappeared
In order to make her exam score better, she either memorizes texts or takes the initiative to do a few mock test papers every day
From this point, it can be seen that educating children can not just rely on words, let children experience more practical experience, so that they can grow better
Just like a child who has been scalded knows that he can't touch fire and boiling water, and a child who knows that it hurts when he gets an injection, because he is afraid of pain, he will cry and run away every time he gets an injection
Therefore, the most worry-free and effective way to educate children should be a combination of "verbal" and "corporal punishment".
Of course, the "corporal punishment" here is not the stick education that everyone thinks of in their minds, but the experience process of letting children participate and practice by themselves
In particular, in the following situations, the combination of "verbal" and "corporal punishment" can make children grow better:
01
When the child is wronged
Please teach them to be angry
Before, I heard a sentence that was very touching:
The first step to changing your child is to let him know and deal with his emotions
I remember a psychiatrist who shared such a case in his speech
There is a 6-year-old boy who usually loses his temper at home
If you are a little unsatisfied, you will either lie on the ground and roll around, or you will pull your face with breathlessness, and you will see that everyone has a stinky face and does not talk to anyone
In order to get rid of this bad influence for the child, the mother tried hard to persuade her every time, but the result was not ideal
In desperation, my mother turned to a psychiatrist
At that time, the doctor asked: "What do you think the child wants to express when he loses his temper?"
Mom thought about it, she thought that losing her temper was unreasonable, nothing to do, where was it to express something
Looking at the boy's stubborn little expression, he slowly discovered a different truth through follow-up understanding
It turned out that the reason why the boy splattered and lost his temper at every turn was that he had a particularly good older brother
At home, he was praised by his parents for being sensible, and he was recognized as "someone else's child" outside.
In contrast to the excellence everywhere, the boy as a younger brother often feels inferior, and every time his mother is strict with him, he also feels inexplicably angry because of his incompetence
Especially when the powerlessness and frustration accumulated in the heart become heavier and heavier, the irritability and restlessness in the mood will become more and more angry
This example also verifies the statement that "there is no tantrum for no reason", and it is also a normal psychological need for children to lose their temper and have emotions
So what is the need behind a child's tantrums? Nothing more than the following:
• Desire to understand
• Curious to explore
• Be yourself seriously
• Seek a sense of presence
I remember a friend once went out to play and came back with the same chocolate gift for his two daughters
I thought that the same gift would avoid the unreasonable trouble of competing for favor, but after my sister got the chocolate, she looked left and right, until she found that her chocolate packaging was flattened, and she began to cry
Mom explained: "It was accidentally squeezed on the way"
But my sister shouted angrily: "Then why did you give me this bad box, you don't love me at all, and you only have your sister in your heart"
The mother did not lose her temper or criticize after hearing this, because she understood that her youngest daughter was just trying to prove her existence and sense of status
When the sisters were very red because of a box of chocolates, she subconsciously hugged her two daughters, and then stretched out her hand to them and said:
"Both of you are my treasures, just like this hand, the palms and backs of your hands are full of meat, even if the parts of your existence are different, it will not affect my love for you at all"
It is precisely with such understanding and emotional guidance from my mother that the sisters, who originally cried three times for favor, became in love with each other, shared good things together, and often had some secrets that they guarded together...
This is an effective educational method to open the knot
You understand what your child is throwing tantrums for, and you understand your child's inner needs, and when your child can determine their sense of status, they will naturally become more and more worry-free and excellent
02
When the child is not satisfied
Please start the chat with the word "I".
When I went to the kindergarten to pick up my little daughter from school before the holidays, I happened to encounter such a scene
At that time, there was a little boy who had just left school and was clamoring to buy fried ham skewers sold on the road
Mom explained: "Street food is unhygienic and nutritious to eat"
When the boy heard this, tears burst out of his eyes, and he sat on the ground angrily and played tricks
Regardless of whether my mother was happy or not, she directly threatened:
"I'm going to eat"
"I don't care, if you don't buy it for me today"
"I won't get up"
Mom was very angry and coldly warned: "If you mess around again, I will leave you on the street and leave it alone"
But the boy still sat on the ground and refused to get up, and continued to play tricks
At that time, my mother was obviously impatient, so she just turned around and left
Fortunately, the emotion was at that moment, and the mother, who left angrily, quickly realized her emotional problems
After she adjusted, she re-discussed with the child and said, "Actually, my mother also wants to eat kebabs, but for the sake of health, how about we go back and DIY it ourselves."
When the boy heard this, his eyes instantly revealed a bright light, and he happily took his mother's hand, and then jumped and walked in the direction of home
This is the "own person effect" in psychology
When you try to think of yourself as a child, or as a child of your own people, a lot of complicated things become much simpler
In fact, if we think about it carefully, it is not difficult to find that many children in life rebel not against their parents themselves, but because they are not accustomed to their parents' way of speaking and attitude
The parents' criticism, harshness, and bad attitude are not deliberately aimed at the child, but to rub the anger on the child
But as a result, the accusations and orders of the parents will only push the children further, and the children's rebellion will also make the parents even more chilled
What does this mean? This shows that if you go the wrong way, you must adjust the direction in time, and the child's disobedience to discipline also shows that the education method is wrong
At this time, if we don't want the parent-child conflict to continue the bad cycle, then we have to adjust the communication method in time
For example, treat your child as "your own" and start each chat with the word "I":
"Don't worry, I used to be like you"
"Don't be afraid, I've made such mistakes before"
"It's okay, I'm from where you are now"
In this way, when we stand together with our children and talk about topics of mutual interest, the door to communication is opened, and we naturally speak freely like our own friends
03
When the child procrastinates
Try the PDCA cycle
Children procrastinate and grind, almost unified across the country, get up to school, write homework, even wash your face and brush your teeth, eat and drink water...
This was the case with a neighbor's child
Every time I sit at the dining table at school, the calm and relaxed appearance of eating makes people unpopular
Obviously, she was holding a spoon and scooping the porridge in the bowl, but when she scooped it around, the rice just couldn't reach her mouth
You remind her: "Eat quickly"
She would reply impatiently, "Eat."
You remind her again: "It's almost late"
She would lose her temper and reply, "Got it, bothered or not"
In a situation where both parties are dissatisfied with each other, their mother-daughter relationship once fell into crisis
Later, I don't know where the neighbor heard about a "PDCA cycle method", which was applied to her daughter, and the child's procrastination was effectively solved
When discussing the experience, the neighbors also told us that the so-called PDCA cycle method was originally a methodology applied to quality management, and its principle is to improve quality and effectiveness through continuous improvement
The PDCA cycle is divided into four basic stages, which are also composed of four acronyms
Include:
• P stands for plan, the word is plan: This basic stage is mainly to establish goals and clarify the time plan
• D stands for execution, and the word is Do: After you have a goal and plan, you can practice and apply it
• C stands for Check, the word is Check: check and evaluate after doing a good job or a stage, in order to see if the desired effect has been achieved
•A stands for Processing, the word is Action: Summarize the lessons learned in the expected effect, and plan for the next goal for the standard that has not been met and the problem that has not been solved
In this way, planning, execution, inspection and processing form a set of circular management methods that can continuously improve and increase efficiency
So how do we use the PDCA cycle method to deal with children who are grinding and procrastinating?
Lan Ma also summarized the four steps:
First, let your child make a schedule of what assignments to write when, when to complete each assignment, and how long to take breaks
Second, let the child have a completely independent space, and then give him an alarm clock, according to the time schedule as a reminder and constraint on behavior
Third, after completing the homework, check it again, and if there is a mistake, think about it a second time and correct it
Fourth, it is stipulated that the lights out plan every night, including parents, must complete their own things before 9 o'clock every night, and as for the things that are not done, they will also bear it the next day
From making a time plan, completing the practice, checking and correcting, to being bound by the responsibility of not completing the plan, children are thinking about how to correct the goal at every step, and will also make adjustments according to their own needs
This is the PDCA cycle method in the management law
And the management of children to delegate power, punishment of children should also let them learn to bear their own responsibility, this is the most worry-free and effective "verbal" and "corporal punishment" of managing children
So, what are the different suggestions and opinions on the most worry-free and effective way to educate children? Welcome to leave a message in the comment area to share!