Text: Marriage counselor Liu Jie
A reader left me a message: "I love him very much, but the more I love him, the more confused I become, when I am with him, I always can't control my emotions, and I feel like I'm going to have a seizure at any time." ”
After chatting carefully, I found that she and her boyfriend were indeed in love with each other in the past. But because the other party is very controlling, and she doesn't like to be controlled.
Therefore, there are more and more conflicts between two people, they are arguing as soon as they meet, and they can be noisy with a phone call.
The more she insisted on this relationship, the more tired she felt, and asked me if I wanted to continue?
Emotional things, not to say that as long as it starts, there will be results, and there is too much love to end up with.
If you're in a relationship, you don't know whether to continue or leave.
So, I'll give you three criteria for judging, let's take a look at our own relationship, and you'll know it in your heart.
01
I always feel bad
Feelings between two people are actually a process of "being seen".
This kind of seeing includes many levels, such as seeing the cuteness of the other party, the gentleness of the other party, the high emotional intelligence of the other party in handling things, and so on.
It is because of this kind of seeing that we develop a good impression of a person. And the person who is seen will have a different feeling about you because you understand his beauty.
And this is exactly what a love affair is happening.
When seeing and being seen collide, and the feeling of love breeds in our hearts, we can't help but want to be good to each other and let this relationship go on sweetly.
But one day, when this kind of beauty that is seen becomes unseen, it is often the beginning of emotional deterioration.
For example, no matter what you do for the other person, he can't see it, he doesn't appreciate it, he takes everything for granted, and he doesn't give you any response.
For example, no matter what you do, it is wrong in the eyes of the other party, just like there is a saying on the Internet, you are wrong even to breathe.
He will keep judging you, hitting you with all kinds of words, saying that you are wrong and that is not right.
Gradually, you will have the illusion that you are full of doubts about yourself.
Am I really doing something wrong? Am I really that bad? Am I really not worthy of love?
This seed of doubt, once planted in you, will make you feel like a failure.
If you feel bad all the time, it's time to reflect: Does he really love you? Or is it in the name of love to hurt you, change you, or even control you?
02
There is always pain
Whether it is in film and television dramas or in real life, as long as two people fall in love, they show happiness and joy.
When we think of each other, our hearts are sweet and warm. When you get along with each other, you feel happy and secure.
There is an aura of love between each other, we can't see each other enough, and they are all incomparably beautiful.
To sum up these things, we must be "positive" in our experience of love.
Although couples will quarrel and get angry. But there must be a lot more feelings of love than the moments of not loving.
But if you have less and less positive experiences with the other person, they are replaced by some very negative feelings.
For example, you may feel anxious, depressed, and even miserable.
Even, I don't want to hear each other's voices, and I don't want to meet each other. When two people are together, you just want to hurry up and end and leave right away.
Maybe at this time, you will still feel that you have been together for so long, and your feelings are sincere.
Maybe our brains lie, but your emotions never do.
Even if your brain makes you judge, you will agree to go on a date. But when you actually meet someone, you can't control your emotions at all, and you just want to end the date quickly.
In any case, the original intention of our love is to feel happiness and sweetness.
But if you're in a relationship, there's no sweetness anymore, and there's only a lot of negative experiences left.
In fact, these signals are telling you that it's time for you to think about where the relationship will be.
03
There is no longer a sense of security
What is the sense of security between couples?
It's that you don't have any worries, and you don't need any pretense in front of him.
Because you know that even if you don't do a good job, even if you are embarrassed, he will not laugh at you, will not leave you alone, and will not dislike you.
When you encounter something, you can discuss and solve it, instead of distrusting each other or even hurting each other.
But if between the two of you, you can't trust him anymore, and you are skeptical of whatever he says.
Or maybe you don't feel safe around him. will be cautious, lest if you do something wrong, you will be criticized by him, and even accused and ridiculed.
If this is how a relationship gives you, then you have to be careful.
The 3 points we mentioned above can be used as a criterion for judging whether a relationship needs to continue.
In fact, many times, whether to continue or not, your feelings will give you the answer.
When a relationship brings you all very negative things, you can't be happy, and you even feel worse and worse.
Then it's time for the relationship to think about ending.