Text: Marriage counselor Liu Jie
received a message in the background: "My husband said that he wanted a divorce, and his attitude was very resolute, does he really want to leave me?" ”
In fact, I often receive messages like this.
Speaking from the heart, I understand everyone's feelings at the moment. Suddenly being divorced by your partner, the feeling of being hit is difficult for anyone to accept.
But I want to give you a "reassurance": even if a man tells you that he wants to divorce, he doesn't necessarily really want to leave.
If we want to judge the true intentions of the other party, we can refer to three aspects.
01
The attitude of the other party
What was his attitude when he mentioned the divorce to you?
Is it very calm, very indifferent to you? Or are you very hurt, or very angry?
These two attitudes represent completely different inner activities.
If a person proposes a divorce to you, he shows rationality, calmness, and even indifference and determination.
Then his attitude towards divorce is usually more firm.
But if the other party is talking about divorce, he is very sad and keeps crying. Or maybe they're very angry and shouting loudly.
That probably shows that his emotions are still very intense, or that he still has emotions about this marriage.
There is a word called "mourning is greater than heart death", a person's real state of heart death, in fact, there is no emotion, calm without waves.
If there are still emotions, it means that there is no real heart death. If you don't have a heart to die, it's probably not really about leaving.
02
The actions of the other party
Mentioning divorce is only one aspect, you have to see if he has specific actions.
For example, after he mentions divorce to you, it's over, and the next day there is no further action, and he doesn't mention divorce anymore.
Or, after he said divorce and you readily agreed, he was stunned and kicked the "ball" directly to you, saying that you should prepare a divorce agreement or something.
In this case, most of the time you don't really want to leave.
If you really want to divorce you, after he says the divorce, there will definitely be specific actions.
First of all, he will make an appointment with you to go to the Civil Affairs Bureau together. If you don't want to go, he will even go straight to the court to sue.
Secondly, he mentioned that the divorce is continuous, and if you don't agree, he will come to you every once in a while to talk about the divorce.
In the end, if you don't agree, he will do something very excessive to force you to agree to the divorce.
If all these aspects are accounted for, then there is a high probability that he really wants a divorce.
03
His approach
After a person tells you about divorce, he still keeps going over old accounts with you, which is actually a manifestation of not wanting to divorce.
Just like I just said, "Mourning is greater than dying", if he is really completely disappointed in you, dead, he will not bother to go through those old accounts with you again.
He will feel that he will get a divorce soon, and he doesn't want to have anything to do with you anymore, so why do you talk so much?
But if he keeps turning it over to you, that's another story.
Generally speaking, if a person is still settling old accounts with you, it means that he still has some expectations for you.
He wants you to see his feelings, his grievances, his grievances. If you really see it all, understand it, and even start to change it as he hopes.
Then his desire to divorce is often not so strong.
Another point is that you have to see under what circumstances he filed for divorce with you.
Say, you don't live together anymore, you've been separated for several years, and you hardly interact with each other. Then the other party suddenly comes to divorce you, probably because he really wants to leave.
But if you live together all the time, you make a lot of noise every day over some trivial matters. But he came to tell you about divorce, and most likely he didn't really want to leave.
Maybe it's a sentence on the head of the anger, maybe it's just a disappointment in the marriage.
But no matter what the reason, in fact, when a person tells you about divorce, they are often not so resolute.
After all, having lived together for so long, there is also a certain emotional foundation. And divorce is a major event in life for each of us, and it is not so easy to make up your mind.
Therefore, when your partner proposes divorce to you, let's not panic and don't mess up.
According to the criteria I just gave you, let's make a preliminary judgment on whether he really wants to leave.
With basic judgment, we can then solve it in a targeted manner.
But whether the other party really wants a divorce or not, we have a chance to save it. Let's work hard and don't leave ourselves with regrets.
(This article is written from a woman's point of view, but the above judgment criteria are also suitable for reference when the wife mentions divorce)