Bert Hellinger, a well-known German psychotherapist, once proposed the order of family members:
"In a family, the first thing is the relationship between husband and wife."
However, in the lives of ordinary people, the first place in the family is generally the relationship between parents and children, and there are very few couples who can really get in touch with each other and maintain passion.
After getting married and becoming a parent, it is inevitable that you always pay more attention to your children and sometimes ignore your partner's feelings.
As the days go by, the lover becomes a relative, and there is the bond of firewood, rice, oil and salt, and there is less intimacy and sweetness.
Young couples are a little better, once they are past middle age, many couples are almost living an "abstinence" life, marriage has become a shell, and the inside has long been consumed into an empty shell.
"I don't know why, I just feel that it's good to get used to sleeping alone, and I'm not used to him moving back."
Jiao Yang and her husband have just been married for the second year, and they are already completely used to sleeping alone, and her husband is quite dissatisfied with this.
The two originally shared a large bed, but because their schedules did not coincide, they chose to sleep in their own rooms.
Jiao Yang works in the system, and his daily routine is very regular, and he has to sleep and rest when he arrives; And her husband works in new media, and when she encounters a new project, it is common for her to work overtime and return late, and she often sleeps soundly and is quarreled.
Once or twice is fine, but after too many times, Jiao Yang felt impatient.
It was annoying to be affected by sleep, and sometimes her husband had to pull her to say a few words, she was sleepy, and she couldn't get up from work in the morning.
At a departmental meeting, Jiao Yang couldn't help but yawn, and was unceremoniously glared at by the leader who was speaking.
She held back the fire in her belly, and her husband didn't come back until more than twelve o'clock in the evening, and the sound of changing shoes woke Jiao Yang again, she couldn't bear it, and asked her husband if he could move lightly when he came back from work?
The husband also felt aggrieved.
Isn't it all about working late at night to make money for the family? When I came home in the early morning and wanted to talk to my wife, the other party not only didn't care about him, but also disgusted him for disturbing her sleep.
After some discussion, the young couple decided to sleep in separate rooms for the time being, and then return to the original state after the project ended without working overtime.
As a result, I didn't expect that Jiao Yang completely adapted to this kind of "single bedroom" life, she had rented a house by herself for several years, and after getting married, she had to adapt to her husband's schedule, and now she is back to her most comfortable sleep state, even if her husband said a few times that she would not work overtime, she did not want to move back to the master bedroom.
The husband is very dissatisfied, he thinks that the husband and wife should be close, especially if they are newly married, others are eager to stick together every day, how can it be completely reversed in their own home?
His mentality is still in a state of love with Jiao Yang, and as soon as the feeling of affection and sweetness comes up, he always wants to rest in the same room with his wife.
But Jiao Yang said that he wanted to go to bed early and get up early, but he always refused him.
"I'm not even thirty years old, so you're going to sleep in a separate room with me, how will you live in the future?" Faced with his wife's tightly knit single quilt, the husband looked bitter.
For young couples, a healthy sex life is necessary for maintaining physical and mental health and is a basic human need.
The American journal "Women's Health" once published an article on the topic of "couples' sex life", introducing a formula about the frequency of couples' sex life:
Frequency = first digit of age * 9.
For example: 30 years old is 3*9=27, that is, 7 times in 20 days; At the age of 40, it is 4*9=36, that is, 6 times in 30 days.
Of course, this is only a data reference, and the specifics vary from person to person.
Unlike Jiao Yang's situation, Li Ying does not adapt to this feeling of "living in the same place", but she is powerless to change it.
Li Ying is forty years old and gave birth to her second son a few years ago, and the family happily held a wedding wine for the child, but it was not until she took her home that Li Ying and her husband found that they could not sleep together.
Li Ying and her husband also have an eldest daughter, but the two of them were only twenty-five or sixteen when the eldest daughter was born, and even if they stay up late at night to take care of the children, they can still have energy, so there is no problem of sleeping in separate rooms.
Now that both parties are over forty years old, staying up late is not physically exhausted at all, Li Ying can barely take a nap during the day, but her husband still goes out to work to earn milk powder money during the day, and he can't make up for sleep if he can't sleep well.
Li Ying found a live-in confinement sister-in-law, and her sister would come to help at night, and the matter of taking care of the children was settled.
It's just that my sister and Li Ying sleep together, and her husband can only build a small bed in the study and sleep for two months.
It's easy to wait for the child to go out of the double moon, and the eldest daughter wants to sleep with her mother again, because she feels that her parents neglected her before and only cared about her younger brother.
Li Ying agreed to the child without hesitation and slept with her eldest daughter in her arms for several days.
After the two children were comforted, Li Ying lay on the same bed with her husband again, but she subtly felt that her husband seemed to have a distance from her, and he was no longer "moving" with her, and he didn't even talk less.
After all, she has been married for many years, and she slept separately for almost three months for the first time, and her husband inevitably did not adapt, so she waited for a few more days.
As a result, her husband threw his mobile phone on the bed to take a shower that night, and several messages unexpectedly popped up, which surprised Li Ying: in less than three months, her husband added two strangers' WeChat and chatted enthusiastically.
Li Ying flipped through it roughly, and didn't see any forbidden words, but the greetings were more frequent, and you came and went to talk about some parents' shortcomings, and also mentioned how cute his son was, like the image of a good father who cares about the family.
But in any case, the husband has already fallen into the category of "spiritual cheating", he no longer fully loves his wife and begins to share life with others.
Li Ying is very complicated in her heart, she knows that when people are middle-aged, it is impossible to have friends of the opposite sex who are not in contact with them at all, and she did give all her energy to her children some time ago, and did not take into account her husband's psychological feelings.
But what happened was what happened, and it was difficult for her to cross the hurdle in her heart for a while, and she couldn't help but go to her husband to confront her.
The husband happily admitted it, but he said that this behavior was not intentional on his own, and that the wife considered her sister and two children, and gave all her energy to others, without considering his feelings at all.
As an adult, his psychological and physical needs are neglected, so it is understandable to find a way to solve them that can make him feel comfortable.
Li Ying couldn't understand it, she felt that the needs of the children were of course the first, and both of them were already old husbands and wives, how could they engage in "cheating" because they had no intimate communication in a short period of time?
In fact, the relationship between husband and wife needs to be constantly cultivated in daily life, and intimate interaction plays a role in promoting this.
Influenced by Confucian education since ancient times, Chinese are restrained and gentle, and many times are not good at expressing feelings in a straightforward way.
When you are a child, you are embarrassed to say that you love you to your parents, and when you are a parent, you are embarrassed to express your love to your children, which has a complex family relationship behind "Chinese education".
A lot of people are only in the process of being in love. will have some intimate actions with lovers.
After love evolved into marriage, a lot of physical contact was omitted, and everyone changed from boyfriend and girlfriend to husband and wife, ashamed to talk about intimate topics, and often did not take the initiative to express their needs in this regard.
In fact, the desire for physical contact is an instinct in human genes, and people who truly like and accept each other will usually naturally accept physical contact from the other person.
It is also a popular saying on the Internet, "physiological liking".
If you like a dish, you want to taste two more bites, if you like a piece of clothing, you will wear it twice, and if you like a person, you will naturally want to have more contact with each other.
In many families, it has become natural for parents to give everything they have for their children, and the meat that falls off their bodies is naturally the treasure of their hearts, so parents have been working hard to raise their children all their lives:
Pick the best milk powder for them, the best school district room, the best tutor, and even the best blind date later.
However, after all, a person's energy and patience are limited, and if the fixed value is distributed to the child, the partner will inevitably get less.
Ignoring physical contact with your partner for a long time may lead to a gradual estrangement of the relationship, and when you have not had intimate contact for too long, you will no longer be willing to communicate with each other on a deeper level.
And this need is a human instinct, and if it is not met for a long time, we may seek solutions in other areas - the possibility of mental infidelity like Li Ying's husband will be greatly increased.
Psychologist Sigmund Freud proposed that "the normal satisfaction of sexual desire is a sign of healthy sexual psychology", in addition to psychological needs, the human body's physiological needs for partners are also very important.
Long-term inhibition of intimacy and sexual needs can sometimes lead to psychological disorders and become an important trigger for mental illness.
In the previous popular movie "Wu Wen Xidong", the wife who has been ignored by her husband for many years is almost pathological, her husband is polite to the world, but he ignores her and is cold, making her feel that she is "the worst person in the world".
In the end, the woman had a psychological breakdown and committed suicide by jumping into a well, and her husband could only regret his past behavior.
In addition to psychological problems, if sexual activity is suppressed for a long time, the frequency of use of male and female reproductive organs will be reduced, which will easily lead to sluggish response and hormone secretion.
In this case, the sperm and prostate fluid produced by the man on a daily basis cannot be properly discharged, and if this state continues, it may lead to a blockage of the reproductive system, which is very likely to trigger a series of sexual organs-related diseases.
For women, especially middle-aged women, the decrease in hormone secretion can easily lead to irregular or even early menstruation, usher in menopause prematurely, and accelerate aging.
Although physical problems can be alleviated to a certain extent through medication, any acquired treatment of drugs is not as good as intimate contact between husband and wife to maintain physical and mental health, and better ensure family harmony.
Both men and women need the care and love of their partners in marriage.
Even for children, the love and care between parents will not separate their attention, and children who grow up in a close family relationship and loving environment of parents are often happier and can learn how to love others.