Recently, I saw such a topic on Weibo - "Why do you never share your daily life with your parents", and the discussion is very high.
The reason is that some netizens shared their own experiences on social platforms:
The takeout he ordered was stolen, so he angrily told his parents about it on WeChat, but the reply he got was: "Didn't you go to the canteen to eat?" Don't be special, eat in the canteen in the future, it's safe and healthy. ”
When netizens who were angry saw such a reply, they felt "like a fish in their throats" and "speechless and choked".
His experience resonated with everyone, and many people shared their experiences under this topic.
Some people also lost the takeaway and complained to their parents, but the first reply they got was "you have to be compassionate" and was told "you shouldn't order takeout......
Some people shared photos of themselves with their parents, but they were told to study quickly and "don't waste time".
Someone shared a fresh experience of talking to a foreigner for the first time, and was replied: "What's so good about foreigners." ”
Someone told his father about the grievances he suffered when he was working part-time, but he didn't expect to be educated by his father again.
When someone talks to their parents about the fatigue of work, they get a reply that they are, "I'm not tired of doing anything" and "It's not a problem."
Some netizens originally liked to share their daily life with their parents, but his parents always criticized him for eating fried food once or twice, criticizing him for eating unhealthy, and slowly, he was reluctant to share.
Some netizens also said that they were very helpless, and usually racked their brains to share their daily lives in order to chat more with their parents, but the reply they got was, "Pay less attention to others and improve yourself more".
At the beginning, I was watching the hot search, but the more I looked at everyone's replies, the more blocked my heart became.
I can feel that many of the people who leave these comments are still students, or young people who have just entered the society, and they are not very old, and their parents still occupy a large proportion in their hearts.
Although there are regrets in communicating with their parents, they still have a strong desire to share, just like the following netizen said: "Because you are my parents, I will complain."
How did I communicate with my parents at their age? Memories are already a little blurry.
Now, like most people, I don't even have the "obsession" I want to share.
To be honest, don't look at me writing articles on the official account every day, no matter how big or small, I am willing to share it with my classmates.
But in front of my parents, I definitely belong to the more wooden people, brewing to the mouth of the complaining or coquettish, thinking and thinking, after all, I still can't speak, and eventually it will become a superficial greeting.
The daily communication is basically a shush and a warm greeting, and basically three rounds are over. Even if you occasionally talk about yourself, it is all understatement, and it is definitely "good news but not bad news".
Chatting with my friends, I found that everyone is almost like this.
I'm afraid that the two treasures that are now around me every day and are happy to share will one day become like this.
What happened that made many people go from the "little sticky bean bag" that they wanted to share everything with their parents when they were children, to the "big refrigerator" that they didn't want their parents to share anything?
Zhihu has a popular question that pays attention to 3W+ and has been viewed by more than one million: "What causes children to be reluctant to communicate with their parents when they are growing up?" ”
The answers and comments under the questions are full of "the truth in the world".
After reading dozens of highly praised answers, I would like to share some of my thoughts and feelings with you.
"Don't pay attention to the child's words"
The world of children is very simple, especially when they are young, parents are the whole world of children.
And children's love and trust in their parents are innate, not mixed with any utilitarian purposes.
Many people's reluctance to communicate with their parents often begins with the realization that what I say doesn't matter.
Zhihu netizen @我爱红烧肉 My experience when I was a child left a very deep impression on me.
When I was very young, my mother was afraid that I would catch a cold, so she would bathe me with very hot water.
The hot water didn't burn people, but I was a toddler at the time, my skin was delicate, and most of my body had to be soaked in water, so I felt unbearable pain every time.
I was already able to speak at that time, and I protested to my mom more than once: "The water is too hot." ”
But my mother was indifferent to this, and every time she said, "It's not hot at all, it's okay, it's cold when you wash it." ”
I won't talk about it more often, but I'm more and more afraid of taking a bath.
Then one time, the water was so hot that my whole body was immersed in the water, and I was so scared that I couldn't do it.
I automatically made up in my mind: I said that the bath water was too hot, my mother said that it was not hot at all, and continued to bathe me, and I could only endure it silently again.
At that moment, I was desperate, I didn't know what to do, I could only suffer in the boiling hot water.
Eventually, I broke down and started crying.
This childhood experience of netizens finally ended with her mother's roar.
The netizen said: "She will never understand how many times I have gritted my teeth and endured the hot bath water when I was young, how tormenting the bath was for me, how much struggle I had in my heart that day, what kind of struggle my thoughts went through, and how helpless I would explode." ”
Like this netizen's mother, many parents always think that they understand their children very well, and even feel that their ideas can completely replace their children's ideas.
Or they think that children's things are trivial, and compared with adults' things, they don't pay attention to it, so they don't want to listen to children at all.
Either way, it will make the child feel dissatisfied.
In the final analysis, it is because parents do not respect their children, are unwilling to give their children the opportunity to express themselves, and are unwilling to try to understand their children's true thoughts.
We should always remind ourselves of how precious it is for children to be willing to speak their minds!
You know, one of the important signs that a child has begun to think independently is that he or she has begun to have his own ideas about many things.
Raising a talking child is far more important than raising an obedient child.
Even if there is a disagreement, or even an argument, it is good, indicating that the child's self-awareness is growing and the mind is maturing day by day.
If the child does give up struggling, he or she may distance himself from his parents and refuse to communicate.
Therefore, we must listen carefully to our children and respect their expressions.
"I've got to say two things about you......"
When they hear their children share their lives, in addition to choosing to despise or ignore them, there are many parents who will choose to preach at the first time.
Perhaps because they think it's the most straightforward, efficient, and time-saving.
A long time ago, I read this story in a book about education:
A high school boy played a game of basketball with his friends on the weekend. When he got home, he was very excited to share his feelings with his father: "Dad, it feels amazing to play basketball! ”
His father said to him with a serious face: "Basketball is a very good sport that exercises the body and willpower, and the most important thing is that you have to stick to it, not just try to be new for a while." ”
The story was so short that it touched me so deeply that I forgot which book I read it in, but I remembered the details of the story clearly.
Perhaps, the same story is playing out in thousands of Chinese families, and there may be countless "basketball boys" and boy fathers around us.
It is not difficult to imagine that when every "basketball boy" hears such an answer, his heart will be like eating an iron lump.
In fact, the boy's father's words were taken out alone, and there was no problem at all. But in this context, something goes terribly wrong.
He completely ignored the child's signals to communicate emotionally, and just said what he thought would be beneficial to the child.
I don't know how many children are heartbroken by their parents' "self-righteous" answers.
A netizen's message hit me hard: "But what's even sadder is that you know that they all love you, not on purpose." ”
Yes, parents who like to preach will never feel that their painstaking education of their children is a manifestation of true love for their children.
But if you think about it carefully, you will find that the message conveyed by this performance of parents is actually as follows:
"Everything I do is right, and any of your thoughts, feelings, and experiences are wrong" "You can't have thoughts, feelings, and experiences that are different from mine"......
It is undeniable that parents do have richer life experience than their children.
But we can be partners, supporters, and supporters of our children, not their commanders, and we can't look down on our children forever.
Therefore, restraining our desire to preach, putting ourselves in a position of eye level with our children, and not being a condescending ruler will make our communication with our children smoother.
"Can the child handle it on his own?"
Another reason why most people are reluctant to share their daily life with their parents, or "report good news but not bad news", is that their parents' reaction is "too much", which brings us a burden.
Some parents will take their children's troubles too seriously, because they care too much about their children, so the feedback to their children always carries a little "worrying" feeling.
Some parents will sigh all day as if the sky is falling.
Some parents are so worried that they don't think about it, and in turn complain that their children are blocking themselves.
There are also parents who will "turn over old accounts" from time to time, which was originally just a small thing, but slowly accumulated into a very heavy mountain, pressing on the child, making people breathless.
When we wanted to share one thing, the idea was actually very simple -
Share happy things, hope that the other party will be happy too, and double the happiness;
Share the sad thing, hope that the other party can empathize with the sadness, and the more people understand themselves, the sadness will be halved.
If the response you get is always such a nervous "small things are magnified, big things are falling", over time, there will naturally be no desire to share.
Therefore, we must be calm parents, give our children more positive and positive hints, and encourage them more, so that they can face life more confidently and be more willing to communicate with us.
There is a friend in the team who is very close to her parents, and she told me that the reasons why she is close to her parents are:
I love sharing my daily routine with my parents because I know they will listen to me carefully and be tolerant and understanding of me.
When we talk about happy things, they will respond to me with high interest; When talking about troublesome things, they will listen quietly, and say a word or two from time to time to say a word or two of relief;
They like to contact and learn new things more than young people, their vision is not behind at all, their mentality is super good, they turn the page faster than me, and it is really fun to chat with them!
May we all become this kind of "fairy parents of other people's families" and encourage our classmates.
Write at the end
When I was writing this article, I saw an article in "Sanlian Life Weekly", "36 years old, still doubting that my mother doesn't love me", and I was hit all at once. After talking about so many phenomena, in fact, it is reflected in our hearts, and the deepest question is this sentence: I know that my parents love me, but why do they treat us like this?
Of course, at this age, I have become a parent myself, and I am already able to read and accept the practices of my parents. This article is not written to denounce them, but to remind ourselves. Although we don't agree with or even like what our parents do, sometimes we unconsciously copy them and become the last thing we want to be.
Don't let our children doubt our love for them.
Source丨mom sees the world
Author丨Sichuan Ma Li Zheng
Title Picture丨Picture Worm Creativity
- I photographed my daughter for a year before I realized how important it is to "see" my child!
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- If you don't listen to what you say, it's useless to praise you, and you don't change your punishment, how can you "communicate effectively" with your child?
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